Sunday, April 1, 2012

I'm no longer ashamed of or hiding the fact that I'm overweight.

Growing up, I was always the "skinny" girl and people would always compliment my figure. Then, after high school, I entered into modeling. My measurements were 34, 25, 36 and I weighed 109 pounds; but, my agent was constantly on me about my weight, specifically my hips. I was told the biggest hips that I should have for my height and frame was 34 inches. However, it just rolled off and I didn't care because I still knew that I looked good, I hadn't change any and I still had plenty of people complimenting me. 

Until the age of 28, I hadn't experienced any weight issues and honestly didn't understand those who struggled with them. Then, when I was pregnant with my son, I began to learn about being healthy and eating healthy. I read a book called, "The Great Physician's Rx to Health and Wellness" by Jordan Rubin and realized that I was always sick. I had a cold or flu nearly once a month and had been told many times that I needed to have my tonsils out, which I avoided because I didn't want to mess up my singing voice. I also often threw up for no reason what so ever. And, once several years earlier when I was modeling I visited a doctor, he diagnosed me as anorexic! I knew he was wrong and quickly switched doctors, I wasn't anorexic I ate, I just wasn't ever really that hungry. Now, this book was helping me to realize that doctor was right. I wasn't intentionally anorexic, I had just trained my body to survive off of very little food and when I ate too much I threw it up. So, I guess he was a little off, it was a mixture of anorexia and bulimia at the same time and my modeling agency considered me "fat".

Once I started applying the things I learned, I started to gain weight. At first, I didn't mind and I told myself that it was necessary to be healthy. Then, as the scale continued to go up, my self-esteem continued to go down. And, skinny people around me started offering me clothes that were "too big" for them. I suddenly realized how offensive that can be, lol. I thought back to when my butt was considered 2 inches too big and now it was 4 inches too big! It was horrifying! I tried to give it to God and grow into my new image but it started to seem that everyone around me who weighed was calling themselves fat. I would think, "if they're fat then I must be a barge!" I later learned that I had the same measurements as Kim Kardashian and J Lo, two females known for being big and are considered plus size models! It was a horrifying thought! 

I was determined that I would lose the weight; but the more I worked out the more my weight would go up. I gained 5 more pounds by exercising. So, I gave that up too and decided that I didn't want to be any bigger. Then, J Lo was voted "The Most Beautiful Woman in the World" and it helped me to get a grasp of the reality. I read a book a while back called, "Every Man's Battle" and men were advised to not compare their wives to other women but to instead study her body only and that they would begin to value it and not be tempted to cheat. So, I realized that until the age of 28, I never once checked out another woman. I never even cared to. But, as my weight went up, and other women began comparing me to them, I started asking myself, "Am I that fat?" I would look at other women trying to find one who looked like me to know if I looked ok or if I really was fat. However, I mostly compared myself to the old me, I found myself wishing I were the old me again. I realized that, if I was ever going to feel good about myself, I was going to have to accept the me I am now and learn to embrace her and make her the best me I could be.

So, I decided to try working out again. At first, I dropped a pound and a few inches within a week; but, as I continued, I began to go back up. I started to get upset but reminded myself that I was doing it to be healthy and in-shape and as long as I was following the Word in my choices then what my body looked like was what God wanted it to look like and I am going to appreciate what He has given me instead of wishing I was someone else. 

My current measurements are 36, 29,39 and I weigh 137 pounds and I'm between 5'4 and 5'5. The perfect weight for someone who is 5'4 is between 108 and 132. For someone who is 5'5, it's between 113 and 138. So, I technically am overweight, lol. And, just yesterday, I saw another person call 140 at my height, "fat." But, I'm ok with that. 

I shared this picture last night and did not share my measurements and one person, not knowing my weight or measurements, told me that it "would make a great p90x cover." Another Christian female actually warned me about sharing it because she was afraid it would entice men and women so I can't be that unattractive, lol. Although, as I mentioned earlier, I don't believe we should compare ourselves with others and that's why I was hesitant to share this picture and why it was  cartoonized to disguise it a little. I felt that covering my stomach took away the effect though and, in a world where there are so many calling me and others like me fat, I felt a good dose of healthy reality was needed for those like the most recent old me who haven't yet learned to love themselves.