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Uh Oh

Have you ever read something that made you take a serious look at yourself and think, "Uh Oh?" 

My best friend lent me a book called, "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend to help me heal after having to deal with some really unsafe people after my mom's death. As I was reading through, I was completely caught off guard by something. 

Growing up, I suffered from anorexia. Although, I didn't know I did. I didn't choose to starve myself. We were just poor and I didn't get to eat that often so I stopped feeling hunger. I still remember when I went to the doctor at the age of 20 with a serious sickness and he diagnosed me as an anorexic. I was so angry! I still remember explaining to him that I would eat if I could but I just wasn't hungry and there had to be something causing it. To which he replied, "That is, anorexia." I left his office offended and switched doctors. Later on in life, God showed me that his diagnosis was hard to take and no…

Modern Day Esau

Today, while I was working, I was talking to God and listening to “Believer’s Voice of Victory” which had Bill Winston on as a guest speaker. As the men were talking, I realized that Bill was doing something very similar to the vision God has given me for my future and it triggered a thought process that led me to the story of Jacob and Esau. This story can be found in Genesis 25:19-34 if you want to read it to catch up. Anyways, I've read that story several times, but today I saw an aspect that I had never realized before. Esau chose FOOD over his blessing. Many know that I do not eat pork and why; but, it seems to be something that other people like to attack me over. Yet, those same people who forcefully push their beliefs off on me are usually so set in their ways and are unwilling to allow me to walk them through it in scripture because they think they already know the answer. They are Esau. Esau was the firstborn and was entitled to certain blessings that came along with tha…

I love the way you lie

I'm sure most people have heard the song out by Eminem and Rihanna, but every time I hear it I am reminded of a poem I wrote several years ago when I was in an abusive relationship and at my end. So, I wanted to share it as an example of how God can fix anyone no matter how broken they are.

Please remember my poem is sarcastic and not literal just as is the song I referred to.

Take this knife and jab it in Here's another try again I'll find another if I need Just thrust it in and watch me bleed
Do I sound a bit crazy to you? Please let me know if I do I just want you to know I love this game I love the hurt, I love the pain
Please kick me down so I can get back up If I've had too much I'll say "enough" But I want you to ignore me if I do And kick me til I'm black and blue
Go find some rocks, go find some stones Bruise my body, break my bones Don't stop until you feel my fear Don't stop until you see my tears
When I start to cry you can take a break …

Research: "Sibling Torment Damaging" .... FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!

I was so happy to come across this article this morning. It's so awesome to see that someone else in the world sees truth and is trying to do something about it! 

I was a victim of my sister my whole life and nobody would listen, I was just constantly told to stop my whining. Then, when I couldn't take it any more, I would blow up (you know fight or flight, when flight didn't work I'd try the other). Yet, all anyone would ever see is my blowing up and they would blame me and tell me to just shut my mouth, get over it, and forgive. They would say that things were just fine and normal and then I'd start screaming. Yeah, because fine and normal to them meant me being constantly controlled or abused! Just like the article says, I was the youngest so I took it from everyone. Any time I'd open my mouth someone would tell me to shut it or make fun of me. It was everyone trapped in the cycle, not just my sister, but their treatment of me taught her that I was an accepta…

I seriously had the most awkward experience ever as a photographer yesterday...

I was asked to take pictures for a little league baseball team (which I was doing for free I might add). And, one mom did not bring her kid until an hour after she was supposed to be there. So as soon as they got there, I had to line them up for the team photo. As I began to line them up, she butted in and started over-riding me and telling them what to do and treating me very rudely as if I didn't know what I was doing before she even gave me a chance to do it! I just overlooked it and tried to politely work with her (you know turn the other cheek because after all this is my son's team and I am going to have to deal with this lady after this). But then, when we finished, I told her that I needed to hurry up and get her kid's picture so he could warm up. Her response in a very rude tone was, "I already took it myself." How awkward!!! Honestly, I just can't believe how rude some people can be. I thought I would do something nice for others and yet even that p…

Are you overwhelmed by life?

Then let me give you some perspective :)

Starting with verse 3, Genesis 5 collapses into nothing more than a litany of numbers and outdated names:


When Adam had lived 130 years, he had a son in his own likeness, in his own image; and he named him Seth. After Seth was born, Adam lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Adam lived 930 years, and then he died.

When Seth had lived 105 years, he became the father of Enosh. And after he became the father of Enosh, Seth lived 807 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Seth lived 912 years, and then he died.

When Enosh had lived 90 years, he became the father of Kenan, Enosh lived 815 years and had other sons and daughters....


From there, you plug in new names and different numbers, but that's pretty much the chapter. Some guy first becomes a father at an age well beyond qualifying for the AARP, and then he proceeds to produce more sons and daughters on his way to death's door.

In an era before political…

Tonight I'm sitting at home digging up bones ; )

Tonight I picked up a book which I had read before, "Who Switched off My Brain?" by Dr. Caroline Leaf, and began to skim through it when something particular caught my eye.



"The important thing to be aware of here is that suppressed emotional pain does not just disappear. It can turn into lingering physical pain. We should never tell boys not to show their tears and make comments like 'cowboys don't cry.' Just like adults when children suppress their feelings, it affects their physical well-being. Dealing with toxic thoughts is not a luxury; it's a necessity. You can pretend and bury your emotions, but you need to know that you are burying something that remains alive and can affect your physical health for years to come."


Let me share an analogy with you here to help you understand and, forgive me, but it actually came to me through a Randy Travis song, "Diggin up Bones." If a dog buries a bone in a yard it will remain there until it is dug…

THIS IS VERY SCARY!!! BE SURE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO YOU!

A woman was driving home alone one evening when she noticed a man in a large truck following her. Growing increasingly fearful, she sped up, trying to lose her pursuer, but it was futile. She then exited the freeway and drove up main street, but the truck stayed with her, even running red lights to do so. 

In a panic, the woman wheeled into a service station, jumped from her car and ran inside screaming. The truck driver ran to her car, jerked the back door open and pulled from the floor behind her seat a man that was hiding there.

The lady was fleeing from the wrong person. She was running from her savior! The truck driver, perched high enough to see into her back seat, had spied the would-be rapist and was pursuing her to save her, even at his own peril.

As was this lady's, the perspective of an unbelievers is distorted pursuit. People run from the pursuit of a God who is desiring to save them from destruction. Those of us who know Him realize we love God because He first loved us…

TORLET VERSUS TOILET

From the time I was young I said torlet becaue my mom called it a torlet. Then, someone corrected me but I didn't believe them so I continued to say torlet. Then, I saw it spelled, "toilet". Sure enough that person was right and I was the fool. That's what the kingdom of God is like. You think you know the truth because it's all you've ever known then one day you see it in writing and you realize you have been a fool.














It's always so neat when you know you are reaping something...

It's always so neat when you know you are reaping something... Today, my husband and I took our youngest to the Dairy Queen and a man, who was clearly homeless, rode up on his bike with a pizza. There were some young girls starting at him and making fun of him and my heart just broke for him; but since I was already sad, I didn't bother to reach out to him like I normally would. However, he reached out to me. As we were sitting there keeping to ourselves, he began to talk to us. I still did not even really look at him out of fear of crying but Cory politely responded and chatted with him. Then, he got up and came to our table and gave our daughter a piece of his pizza. He said it was his 60th birthday and he was celebrating with pizza and ice cream. I realized how most people would have taken that gesture but I knew how priceless it was. This man took a risk of being rejected and ridiculed to show us love. He didn't have much but what he did have he felt led to share with …

I'm done being careful!

It’s funny how you can read or hear the same scripture a thousand times and then you catch something that you have never noticed in it before. Philippians 4:6 has got to be one of the most popular verses in the Bible, but yesterday when I read it I caught something different than usual. It starts with “Be careful for nothing” (KJV).


Not too recently I was wondering about this very topic. Very often when we go to Walmart we don’t make it home with all of our bags. I usually just overlook the loss and just trust God to make it up to me in the future because the missing items are usually so minor compared to the stress and the gas money to drive back and deal with it. However, the last time it was a bag full of some pretty expensive merchandise so I was really upset and began to talk to God about how they should have a better bagging system. Then, God dealt with me about why I reaped that loss and after I repented for the mistake He gave the items back. It occurred to me that if I truly …

Everybody's Fine

Cory and I don't keep up with movies much so we don't know what to watch when we actually are able to sit down together and watch one so we will just randomly pick one off of on demand. Last night we chose a movie called, "Everybody's Fine". I must have cried through the whole thing, lol. I have not had a movie effect me like that in a long time. It was just so close to reality in the world today and it broke my heart to watch this man try to connect with his family and come face to face with a different world than he was used to as well as all of the mistakes he made.

I thought about how I used to live in a world just like his where everyone pretended and smiled and lied to each others' faces. I knew I never fit in, but I would try and try until one day I asked myself why. Then,I thought about my friends and family who are still stuck in that pretentious world and they don't even know there is something else available. They can have a life of honesty whe…

DO YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? DO THEY LOVE YOU?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is
not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Cor 13:3-8




THIS IS THE TRUE DEFINITION OF LOVE, ANYTHING ELSE IS A LIE!



Several years ago I was in an abusive relationship that I thought was love and the Holy Spirit brought this verse to my attention. I remember calling my brother to ask him where it was in the Bible and he told me he didn't even think it was scripture, but I knew it was so I searched through my Bible to find it. When I did, verse 5 jumped out at me, "love is not easily angered." For years I had justified my ex's anger by saying that he just loved me so much that he could not control it, but God showed me something much different that day. If he truly loved me, he woul…

The Big Game

Eagles versus Giant Chickens



It’s getting dangerously close to the end of the game, but there isn’t anyone who is sure of exactly how much time is left on the clock. The Eagles were chosen as the favorite ahead of time, but now that the game has advanced, they are appearing as more of the underdog and are outnumbered by their opposing team approximately ten to one. The Giant Chickens haven’t exactly been playing by the rules and have even been taunting and bullying the Eagles. However, referees haven’t even noticed that the Chickens have been cheating because their attention has been focused on all of the strife on the Eagles’ sidelines.




I just can’t believe what is going on down on the field. I’ve never seen such chaos and mayhem in my life. Most of the Eagles’ players are just standing around talking to each other and complaining about the coach; they are actually refusing to run the plays that He calls. While others are lying down on the field crying about how big the opposin…

Just because He can

After the death of my mom, I began to question God. Not an angry, unbelieving questioning but a believing questioning... a wondering or pondering.

I began to think about how in the Bible it was common for their lives to change in a split second for the good. Like in Joseph's life a King has a dream and boom he's plucked from prison and promoted to 2nd in the kingdom. But, in today's world, it seems any split second change is always negative. You're just going about life and boom: a crash, a tornado, you lose your job, you lose a loved one... everything is gone.

As I was asking Him why it never seemed to work that way with good things, I mean it's never like boom overnight I'm rich, He revealed to me that it does. The problem is not that the good doesn't happen, the problem is that I've been conditioned by the world and people around me to think of everything as negative or to just explain it away as life. For instance, how many infertile couples would con…

Riddled with Pain

surrounded by people who don't understand what God has willed what God has planned

incapable of seeing  the love that you hold too busy being evil and cold

you're easy to blame when you're the odd man out and everyone else  is on the same old route

headed toward destruction without a care and angry at you  for not being there

you made it to safety swam to the shore nearly drowned  trying to save everyone else on board

but still you try to do all that you can toss in the preserver  gripped tight in your hand

you pray that they grab it and hold on tight but all they want is to continue to fight

they think they are strong won't break and give in when really they're weak  and just want to win

but what are they winning? what is the prize? the hatred and evil I see in their eyes?

what does that profit? what does that gain? when choosing a life riddled with pain









Burying the Past in the Grave

to think you hurt as much as possible 
and that the truth has all come
only to be blindsided
by the truth that has just begun



to hold onto hope for years 
that you'd find healing one day
then to think you finally found it
only to discover it was just a facade



to learn the person you knew and loved
as your best friend
was also someone you never met 
who made others hate you in the end



to never have a chance 
to even talk it through
and to know it wouldn't matter anyways 
after 33 years of trying to



to have to accept that it is what it is
and there is nowhere to turn
not a person to trust
every bridge has to be burned



there's only One way out
and it's plastered with pain
focus on God and your future 
and bury the past in the grave























What happened to Grace?

On the way home from the free store, we had to stop by the grocery store. So, we took the Banfield exit. After stopping at the stop sign and looking both ways, Cory began to turn left, which means he was crossing 2 oncoming lanes which were empty when he started the turn. However, he has this tendency to not watch the road (Before someone else writes me to tell me he shouldn't have a license, let me clear up that he has never been in an accident or even gotten a speeding ticket in 30 years. He is not a crazy driver, I'm just a wife who freaks out any time he doesn't look at the road because I understand moments like this can happen.) while he's driving and, after the turn, he looked at me and began to tell me something. I, however, was saying, "Look at the road!" I could see the pick up truck that had just crested the hill and was coming straight for us. We barely missed it and I asked him why he can't look at the road and he began to say how he did and t…