Thursday, August 8, 2013

Uh Oh

Have you ever read something that made you take a serious look at yourself and think, "Uh Oh?" 

My best friend lent me a book called, "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend to help me heal after having to deal with some really unsafe people after my mom's death. As I was reading through, I was completely caught off guard by something. 

Growing up, I suffered from anorexia. Although, I didn't know I did. I didn't choose to starve myself. We were just poor and I didn't get to eat that often so I stopped feeling hunger. I still remember when I went to the doctor at the age of 20 with a serious sickness and he diagnosed me as an anorexic. I was so angry! I still remember explaining to him that I would eat if I could but I just wasn't hungry and there had to be something causing it. To which he replied, "There is, anorexia." I left his office offended and switched doctors. Later on in life, God showed me that his diagnosis was hard to take and not what I wanted to hear, but correct. 

So you can imagine my shock when God used the authors of "Safe People" to take me back to that place in order to show me where I am now. Below is what I read, 

You've most likely read about the clinical condition anorexia nervosa, in which the individual starves herself for psychological reasons. The word anorexia actually means "no appetite." If you talk to an anorexic about why she's not eating, she'll report, "I'm just not hungry." And she means it. 

Likewise, in the spiritual and relational arena, some people literally cannot feel their hunger for relationship... It's easy to tell if you have this condition. Here are some of the classic hallmarks: 

-I am uncomfortable with people and relaxed when alone
-I don't get "lonely"
-I spend time with people out of obligation, or for functional reasons (tennis partner, work, etc.)
-My fantasies of vacation always involve doing something by myself

Now, God also created us to spend time alone. We need to get away. But spiritual anorexia dulls the senses so much that we can be in real emotional trouble - depressed, ready to act out compulsively or worse - and the idea that "I might need to call someone" will not even occur to the spiritual anorexic. 

And, there was my "UH OH!!!!" I realized that I am not the person I was. I know this may come as a shock to some of  you because you see me putting on a happy face and forcing myself into the world. I try to be the old me; but, I'm just not. I used to love to be around people. Now, I find every reason I can to stay home. I even skip out on going to the Free Store and, since I'm being honest, would do so every week if I could find someone else willing to go. I used to love to talk on the phone. Now, I HATE to pick it up at all for any reason or anyone. I have not called one person that I did not have to since my mom died, other than Kimi and Michele and even my calls to them are few and far between. I even hate having to return calls about photography and fret having to show up at appointments and meet new people. 

The book went on to give all kinds of reasons for this spiritual anorexia, most of which to their credit I had experienced. Then, the authors made another statement that rocked me to my core, "Like a beaten dog scurries away from a hand that wants to pet it, the broken heart sounds alarm of danger at any semblance of closeness." 

Have you ever tried to pet a dog that was afraid of you for seemingly no reason? I have! The image in my mind is quite pathetic! And, to realized that I am that dog, there are just no words to describe it! I've spent decades of my life reading and pressing in, trying to find healing. Trying to lead others to healing! Only to discover that somewhere along the way, I just shut down. And, even worse than that is the knowledge that it hasn't been from lack of trying. I've known all along that I should be doing certain things and shouldn't be doing other things; and, while the old me could easily get myself in line, that simply is not the case any more. When I say that I have shut down. I mean completely shut down! Completely busted! Completely broken! Cannot fix it! You know the point when you've tried everything you know and the only option left is to throw it in the trash. That's me! That's where I am. 

So, please don't write me with your 101 steps to a perfect life. I've read nearly every Christian book on the shelves. And, please don't tell me how much of a failure I am as a Christian and if I were doing things your way that I wouldn't be where I am. I'm sure Paul and Joseph heard those same lectures when they were in prison. My relationship with God is just fine, I spoke with Him this morning ;) And, honestly, for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm out of prison. It's quite ironic really. My whole life was one problem or one bad relationship after another; yet, I kept my heart open and stayed positive and pressed in and pushed through. Now, I finally made it through all the crap to a life of blessing and my heart just closed down. You don't even have to have a sense of humor to laugh at that one. 

I may be staring at a big UH OH; but, there is one thing I still know... MY REDEEMER LIVES! Jesus took the bread and He BROKE it before He could use it. The bread in it's original unbroken state would have done Him absolutely no good. And, I recently watched him break my camera in order to multiply it and bring blessings to myself and others. So, I know what He can make of something that is broken, even a broken me, and the only thing I am capable of right now is waiting to see and I know that is more than enough because it is all about Him not me! 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Modern Day Esau

Today, while I was working, I was talking to God and listening to “Believer’s Voice of Victory” which had Bill Winston on as a guest speaker. As the men were talking, I realized that Bill was doing something very similar to the vision God has given me for my future and it triggered a thought process that led me to the story of Jacob and Esau. This story can be found in Genesis 25:19-34 if you want to read it to catch up. Anyways, I've read that story several times, but today I saw an aspect that I had never realized before. Esau chose FOOD over his blessing. Many know that I do not eat pork and why; but, it seems to be something that other people like to attack me over. Yet, those same people who forcefully push their beliefs off on me are usually so set in their ways and are unwilling to allow me to walk them through it in scripture because they think they already know the answer. They are Esau. Esau was the firstborn and was entitled to certain blessings that came along with that title, but he was hungry and he didn't realize the severity of his actions so he made a dumb choice that cost him dearly. Yes, God already knew what he would do and what the outcome would be but that does not mean it was what God wanted; otherwise, He would've just allowed Jacob to be born first.

Of course eating pork will not keep someone out of heaven, but it will help them get there a lot quicker and possibly even keep them from being able to physically perform the call on their life. However, it is not just pork. Whenever a person is out of balance in any way where food is concerned (whether it is by eating too much or too little or the wrong foods) then they are trading food for their birthright, they are trading what they eat for what they were created for. It is not a coincidence that pork is on the top of the world’s most unhealthy food lists. It is not a coincidence that both obesity and anorexia lead to death.

The fact is if we are not alive then we cannot be fulfilling our destiny. That was actually the reason Esau gave for trading his birthright to Jacob. He had reasoned that he was going to die anyways from starvation so he might as well at least eat and be alive. Notice the scripture even says that Esau despised his birthright. How many today also use that same excuse that they are going to die anyways so they might as well enjoy what they eat? How many believe that what God has to offer is not what is best for them? Those are lies! Yes, we will all eventually die, but we are all faced with two choices for the way we desire to live.

1. We obey the Word at all costs. The Bible makes it clear that whoever dies to their own selfish desires and wishes will actually find a truly fulfilled, blessed life in which we will leave the earth satisfied after we have lived long in our days.


2. We can hold onto our own reasons, wants, and desires and keep trying to decide what leads to happiness for our selves. We will never be completely satisfied or reach the full potential we were created for. And, we will more than likely leave the earth sooner than God intended.

Deuteronomy 30:19 (New International Version)
19 This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live




The above was ... originally written a few years ago... I've decided to go through some old blogs that I posted on other sites and combine them all into one place (here;). 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


I'm sure most people have heard the song out by Eminem and Rihanna, but every time I hear it I am reminded of a poem I wrote several years ago when I was in an abusive relationship and at my end. So, I wanted to share it as an example of how God can fix anyone no matter how broken they are.

Please remember my poem is sarcastic and not literal just as is the song I referred to.

Take this knife and jab it in
Here's another try again
I'll find another if I need
Just thrust it in and watch me bleed

Do I sound a bit crazy to you?
Please let me know if I do
I just want you to know I love this game
I love the hurt, I love the pain

Please kick me down so I can get back up
If I've had too much I'll say "enough"
But I want you to ignore me if I do
And kick me til I'm black and blue

Go find some rocks, go find some stones
Bruise my body, break my bones
Don't stop until you feel my fear
Don't stop until you see my tears

When I start to cry you can take a break
It's time to laugh and spit in my face
You can pretend you are going to help me up
And I'll cry out "Enough! Enough!"

And there it is, that's your cue
You have some more work to do
I want it all, give it all you've got
Call me names like whore and slut

Lie to me, lie to me, lie to me please
Let me pretend, let me believe
Let me believe there's a chance for us
A chance for happiness, a chance for love

Let me believe I deserve this life
No, let me go get you another knife
And this time if you could just do it right
There will be no more arguing and no more fights

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Research: "Sibling Torment Damaging" .... FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!

I was so happy to come across this article this morning. It's so awesome to see that someone else in the world sees truth and is trying to do something about it! 

I was a victim of my sister my whole life and nobody would listen, I was just constantly told to stop my whining. Then, when I couldn't take it any more, I would blow up (you know fight or flight, when flight didn't work I'd try the other). Yet, all anyone would ever see is my blowing up and they would blame me and tell me to just shut my mouth, get over it, and forgive. They would say that things were just fine and normal and then I'd start screaming. Yeah, because fine and normal to them meant me being constantly controlled or abused! Just like the article says, I was the youngest so I took it from everyone. Any time I'd open my mouth someone would tell me to shut it or make fun of me. It was everyone trapped in the cycle, not just my sister, but their treatment of me taught her that I was an acceptable target. They couldn't see that my only options were to allow others completely control me and put me down with my mouth shut or fight if I felt it was important enough to stand my ground on. 

While it wasn't all my sister, she was the worst of it. She was so good at manipulating and controlling situations and making it look like my fault. She convinced everyone that I was crazy, and everything else she used to call me, and she was never corrected and nobody ever listened to me. And, look at us now. This is what the last disagreement my mom and I had, right before she passed, was over. I was still in my 30's trying to get someone else to listen so that my sister and I could work toward healing; but, of course, I was told the same old crap and my mom then turned around and further fueled my sister's hatred and control. She was given one last chance to help heal the wounds between us but instead she sealed them to last forever. It's so sad! It could have been so different :(

You'd think a parent (and others who witnessed it day in and day out) would realize that if something hasn't been working for 33 years then perhaps they got something wrong and they should maybe try something different. 

Although, I just have to remind myself that if God allowed it then it will work to my good and that He has used it to shape and change me into a better person. So, perhaps that is what we should be teaching the victims instead of trying to reach the aggressors who clearly aren't listening. 

Be sure to read the blog that triggered my blog, the link is below in case you missed it above :)

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I seriously had the most awkward experience ever as a photographer yesterday...

I was asked to take pictures for a little league baseball team (which I was doing for free I might add). And, one mom did not bring her kid until an hour after she was supposed to be there. So as soon as they got there, I had to line them up for the team photo. As I began to line them up, she butted in and started over-riding me and telling them what to do and treating me very rudely as if I didn't know what I was doing before she even gave me a chance to do it! I just overlooked it and tried to politely work with her (you know turn the other cheek because after all this is my son's team and I am going to have to deal with this lady after this). But then, when we finished, I told her that I needed to hurry up and get her kid's picture so he could warm up. Her response in a very rude tone was, "I already took it myself." How awkward!!! Honestly, I just can't believe how rude some people can be. I thought I would do something nice for others and yet even that pissed someone off and made them not like me and disrespect me. And, get this... she isn't even a professional photographer! 

I seem to run across a lot of people who think they are my boss and I go back and forth on what the proper way to handle it is. I've tried the politely looking the other way but then they just take more and more. I've set boundaries and they typically will try to argue and when that doesn't get them anywhere they will just continually keep trying to push past them. 

So, I'd like to hear from you... how do you handle these kinds of people/situations? 

Friday, June 7, 2013

Are you overwhelmed by life?

Then let me give you some perspective :)

Starting with verse 3, Genesis 5 collapses into nothing more than a litany of numbers and outdated names:

When Adam had lived 130 years, he had a son in his own likeness, in his own image; and he named him Seth. After Seth was born, Adam lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Adam lived 930 years, and then he died.

When Seth had lived 105 years, he became the father of Enosh. And after he became the father of Enosh, Seth lived 807 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Seth lived 912 years, and then he died.

When Enosh had lived 90 years, he became the father of Kenan, Enosh lived 815 years and had other sons and daughters....

From there, you plug in new names and different numbers, but that's pretty much the chapter. Some guy first becomes a father at an age well beyond qualifying for the AARP, and then he proceeds to produce more sons and daughters on his way to death's door.

In an era before political elections, athletic contests, and Fortune 500 lists of the most wealthy businesspeople in the world, people lived, had sons and daughters, and died. We're not told if they preferred raising crops to raising cattle or even where they lived. We don't know how they spent their free time (if they had any), or what sort of property they owned, or lived on, or traveled over. We don't know if they were fat or thin, bald or hairy, bowlegged or athletic. All we know is that they had kids, and then they died.

This simplistic view of life is shockingly honest. And many years from now, when most of us are a few generations removed from the land of the living, even our descendants probably won't know our vocation, our golf handicap, what houses we lived in, how good the garden looked, or whether we preferred Coke or Pepsi. Oh, our grandchildren, and maybe even the rare great-grandchildren, may occasionally drum up a story or two about us- but after that, we're history. For all practical purposes, the only thing we did that will matter to them is that we chose to have sons and daughters, with the result that they're alive and they walk the face of the earth.

This stark almost unmerciful truth certainly humbles the modern man or woman and challenges most of our modern aspirations. What the majority of us spend the bulk of our time worrying about - our 9:00 to 5:00 jobs, what houses we live in, how we are going to spend the weekend, how physically fit we look, what vehicle we drive - ultimately amounts to nothing and gets completely forgotten. And what we often ignore in our pursuit of the above - that is our children and our families - are the only things we truly leave behind.

If you are still not convinced, take a test: Tell me the first name of your paternal great-great-great-grandfather. That's just five generations removed. Can you name his wife? Where did the two of them live? You probably can't answer that, but since there are always a few genealogy buffs out there, let me dig a little deeper. Were these ancestors of yours physically fit or out of shape? How did they spend their free time? What caused them the most worry in life? What part of their body hurt the most, and from what - arthritis, sinus trouble, a backache? How many credit payments did they miss? How did they come up with enough money to pay for their daughter's wedding? What was their favorite meal?

Almost none of us can even begin to answer these questions about our ancient ancestors, yet these concerns often drive our own existence. Now let's get a little more personal. If you can't answer this about your great-great-great grandparents, what makes you think your great-great-great grandchildren will be able to answer these questions about you?

In short, when we're painfully honest, we have to admit most of what we fret over will, in the not-too-distant future, become absolutely irrelevant, forgotten, and wiped away.

The above was an excerpt taken from "Sacred Parenting" by Gary L Thomas

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Tonight I'm sitting at home digging up bones ; )

Tonight I picked up a book which I had read before, "Who Switched off My Brain?" by Dr. Caroline Leaf, and began to skim through it when something particular caught my eye.

"The important thing to be aware of here is that suppressed emotional pain does not just disappear. It can turn into lingering physical pain. We should never tell boys not to show their tears and make comments like 'cowboys don't cry.' Just like adults when children suppress their feelings, it affects their physical well-being. Dealing with toxic thoughts is not a luxury; it's a necessity. You can pretend and bury your emotions, but you need to know that you are burying something that remains alive and can affect your physical health for years to come."

Let me share an analogy with you here to help you understand and, forgive me, but it actually came to me through a Randy Travis song, "Diggin up Bones." If a dog buries a bone in a yard it will remain there until it is dug up. Trees can grow around it and sidewalks can be placed on top, but the bone will remain where it was buried.

Now, you will have to use your imagination for a moment but our thoughts are like bones. If we bury them inside, they will always remain there unless we dig them up. However, unlike bones, our thoughts are alive and can effect our physical bodies even if we don't realize they are still buried within. This means that if the thoughts we buried were positive then our bodies will reap life-giving results from them; but, if the buried thoughts were negative or toxic thoughts then they can cause all kinds of problems and illnesses in our bodies throughout our entire lives.

This is why God will send us into a similar situation, relationship, or experience that will trigger these old buried memories, to give us chances to dig up our buried toxic thoughts and deal with them properly. When we get hurt, we will have negative emotions to deal with, that is a fact. No matter how much the world likes to teach us to act like things don't hurt and pretend we are fine, we cannot change the fact that we are human and we were born with feelings for a reason. And, we can run away and hide, but those bones are still in there no matter where we go. Out of sight might be out of mind, but just because the thoughts are no longer in your conscious mind does not mean they are not in your body. Years after something happens, a thought that you didn't even know existed can be triggered and the same old feelings associated with that thought will come flooding right back.

When I read the paragraph from the book, it made me think about Matthew 18:1-4 when Jesus said that we have to become as little children to inherit the kingdom. It got me thinking about how a young child or baby will just cry when they get hurt. If someone does something crappy to them, they let everyone know and they aren't afraid to do so.

Now, I don't believe we should go around throwing fits and disrespectfully telling off anyone who hurts our feelings, that would be the other extreme and completely lacking in self-control which is also unscriptural. However, there is a happy medium. We can't stop someone else from doing something awful to us and we can't stop our feelings from doing what they were naturally designed to do; but, we can refuse to bury the emotions. We can refuse to go through life pretending. We can refuse to be afraid of what others will think if we tell the truth or let down our guard. We can decide to work with God and allow Him to help us dig up these old thoughts and turn a previously toxic memory into a new, life-giving one.

Don't fall for the world's lie, letting the person who hurt us know that we are hurt does not make us weak, it makes us strong. A weak person puts up a wall and pretends in order to protect their self, a strong person is not afraid of being hurt again. Telling the truth makes us real. It makes us so confident in who we are that it doesn't matter if someone else knows what we are or aren't feeling or thinking. And, it is the only way we can ever have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships with others.

The above was ... originally written... October 5th, 2010 at 10:57pm... I've decided to go through some old blogs that I posted on other sites and combine them all into one place (here;). 

Wednesday, June 5, 2013


A woman was driving home alone one evening when she noticed a man in a large truck following her. Growing increasingly fearful, she sped up, trying to lose her pursuer, but it was futile. She then exited the freeway and drove up main street, but the truck stayed with her, even running red lights to do so. 

In a panic, the woman wheeled into a service station, jumped from her car and ran inside screaming. The truck driver ran to her car, jerked the back door open and pulled from the floor behind her seat a man that was hiding there.

The lady was fleeing from the wrong person. She was running from her savior! The truck driver, perched high enough to see into her back seat, had spied the would-be rapist and was pursuing her to save her, even at his own peril.

As was this lady's, the perspective of an unbelievers is distorted pursuit. People run from the pursuit of a God who is desiring to save them from destruction. Those of us who know Him realize we love God because He first loved us. When sinners, however, hear of a loving God who wants only their best and died to provide it, they often see instead only the promise of loss and lack of fulfillment.

The above was an excerpt taking from Dutch Sheets' book "Intercessory Prayer".

Tuesday, June 4, 2013


From the time I was young I said torlet becaue my mom called it a torlet. Then, someone corrected me but I didn't believe them so I continued to say torlet. Then, I saw it spelled, "toilet". Sure enough that person was right and I was the fool. That's what the kingdom of God is like. You think you know the truth because it's all you've ever known then one day you see it in writing and you realize you have been a fool.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

It's always so neat when you know you are reaping something...

It's always so neat when you know you are reaping something... Today, my husband and I took our youngest to the Dairy Queen and a man, who was clearly homeless, rode up on his bike with a pizza. There were some young girls starting at him and making fun of him and my heart just broke for him; but since I was already sad, I didn't bother to reach out to him like I normally would. However, he reached out to me. As we were sitting there keeping to ourselves, he began to talk to us. I still did not even really look at him out of fear of crying but Cory politely responded and chatted with him. Then, he got up and came to our table and gave our daughter a piece of his pizza. He said it was his 60th birthday and he was celebrating with pizza and ice cream. I realized how most people would have taken that gesture but I knew how priceless it was. This man took a risk of being rejected and ridiculed to show us love. He didn't have much but what he did have he felt led to share with us. When I looked up I saw God in his eyes and my heart was able to open up again and remember what we're here for, what the free store is here for, why AID exists.

I couldn't even count how many homeless people I have helped; but, I can count how many have helped me - 2. The first was Joe, he was a special guy who used to always go on and on about how he was going to receive thousands of dollars for something. After years of helping him, the money (we thought was made up) came and he donated all of it to our ministry, every penny!

"And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites. So He said, 'Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God, but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had.'" Luke 21:1-4

I'm done being careful!

It’s funny how you can read or hear the same scripture a thousand times and then you catch something that you have never noticed in it before. Philippians 4:6 has got to be one of the most popular verses in the Bible, but yesterday when I read it I caught something different than usual. It starts with “Be careful for nothing” (KJV).

Not too recently I was wondering about this very topic. Very often when we go to Walmart we don’t make it home with all of our bags. I usually just overlook the loss and just trust God to make it up to me in the future because the missing items are usually so minor compared to the stress and the gas money to drive back and deal with it. However, the last time it was a bag full of some pretty expensive merchandise so I was really upset and began to talk to God about how they should have a better bagging system. Then, God dealt with me about why I reaped that loss and after I repented for the mistake He gave the items back. It occurred to me that if I truly believed that God was in control of everything then He knows when my bags will come up missing. He is choosing to use Walmart to work through in order for me to reap what I have sown in my past. I don’t need to go around being overly paranoid about my bags or threatening to sue the store over their bagging system because if I don’t reap it from Walmart I’ll just reap it back somewhere else. God is in control and He is not mocked, “What I sow I will surely reap.” (Galatians 6:7)

This new found view of Philippians 4:6 confirmed what God had taught me about my missing bags, but there is so much more packed into those four little words. We are not to be careful about anything! Nothing! Not one thing! That means our kids, our driving, our words, and all of the other hundreds of things we try to do in our own might every day. Now, this does not mean I’m saying we are to do the opposite; we don’t need to go around being reckless either. According to the Bible, we belong in the middle, not being careless and not being careful.

“Be careful” is just another way of saying that we are in control and not God. We are the reason we mess up and we are the reason we succeed. If we are in control then God is not and we are not in God’s will. That’s where the rest of Philippians 4:6 comes in, it is the other option to being careful. It is the answer to our problems and worries. We don’t have to go through life being careful and feeling guilty when we mess up. All we have to do is choose to ask God for help and trust Him with the results.

The above was originally written... May 14th, 2010 at 10:05pm...  I've decided to go through some old blogs that I posted on other sites and combine them all into one place (here;). 


Friday, May 31, 2013

Everybody's Fine

Cory and I don't keep up with movies much so we don't know what to watch when we actually are able to sit down together and watch one so we will just randomly pick one off of on demand. Last night we chose a movie called, "Everybody's Fine". I must have cried through the whole thing, lol. I have not had a movie effect me like that in a long time. It was just so close to reality in the world today and it broke my heart to watch this man try to connect with his family and come face to face with a different world than he was used to as well as all of the mistakes he made.

I thought about how I used to live in a world just like his where everyone pretended and smiled and lied to each others' faces. I knew I never fit in, but I would try and try until one day I asked myself why. Then,I thought about my friends and family who are still stuck in that pretentious world and they don't even know there is something else available. They can have a life of honesty where they can be real and not ashamed. They can experience unconditional love and acceptance, but they don't know it. So, they just keep pretending that everything is fine day in and day out while they are really dying inside. Then, I realized the reason most people never find the freedom that can only be found in a true relationship with Christ is because of religion.

God allowed me to see that the man in the movie represented all churches as a whole. They put so much pressure on people to be perfect that they don't allow people to be real. So people choose to go through life pretending than to risk upsetting others and not being accepted. Is acceptance really worth it if you aren't being accepted for who you really are? We all make mistakes and we all fail at times, but how can God help if we keep pretending everything is fine?

The ablove was originally written... March 27th, 2010 at 9:49am...  I've decided to go through some old blogs that I posted on other sites and combine them all into one place (here;). 

Thursday, May 30, 2013


"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is

not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Cor 13:3-8


Several years ago I was in an abusive relationship that I thought was love and the Holy Spirit brought this verse to my attention. I remember calling my brother to ask him where it was in the Bible and he told me he didn't even think it was scripture, but I knew it was so I searched through my Bible to find it. When I did, verse 5 jumped out at me, "love is not easily angered." For years I had justified my ex's anger by saying that he just loved me so much that he could not control it, but God showed me something much different that day. If he truly loved me, he would learn to control it because that's what true love does. If you are struggling in one of these areas and you know you are falling short, I suggest you ask God for help if you love the other person because if you struggle with any of the behaviors above, it will cause the relationship, or at least the desire to be fully invested in the relationship, to eventually end.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Big Game

Eagles versus Giant Chickens

It’s getting dangerously close to the end of the game, but there isn’t anyone who is sure of exactly how much time is left on the clock. The Eagles were chosen as the favorite ahead of time, but now that the game has advanced, they are appearing as more of the underdog and are outnumbered by their opposing team approximately ten to one. The Giant Chickens haven’t exactly been playing by the rules and have even been taunting and bullying the Eagles. However, referees haven’t even noticed that the Chickens have been cheating because their attention has been focused on all of the strife on the Eagles’ sidelines.

I just can’t believe what is going on down on the field. I’ve never seen such chaos and mayhem in my life. Most of the Eagles’ players are just standing around talking to each other and complaining about the coach; they are actually refusing to run the plays that He calls. While others are lying down on the field crying about how big the opposing players are and that they are getting trampled on. Just a few star players from the Eagles’ team have been doing all of the work and scoring all of the points and they are just simply getting worn out. Not only do they have to shield their selves from the opposition, but from their own teammates as well. It appears the majority of Eagles just want to sit on the sidelines and yell about petty things like the colors of their uniforms, what plays should be run, and how the ball should be handled. “Laces in or laces out?” Who cares, does that really matter? You are losing the game! There is just no organization or unity of spirit within this Eagles’ team and because of it they have basically just destroyed any chance of winning. The Giants are so far ahead that nothing short of a miracle could even help these Eagles. This team had better pray that they have some kind of resurrection power behind them that can bring their team back from the dead. These Eagles’ need to quickly decide which team they are playing for then read their playbook and get in the game!

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Just because He can

After the death of my mom, I began to question God. Not an angry, unbelieving questioning but a believing questioning... a wondering or pondering.

I began to think about how in the Bible it was common for their lives to change in a split second for the good. Like in Joseph's life a King has a dream and boom he's plucked from prison and promoted to 2nd in the kingdom. But, in today's world, it seems any split second change is always negative. You're just going about life and boom: a crash, a tornado, you lose your job, you lose a loved one... everything is gone.

As I was asking Him why it never seemed to work that way with good things, I mean it's never like boom overnight I'm rich, He revealed to me that it does. The problem is not that the good doesn't happen, the problem is that I've been conditioned by the world and people around me to think of everything as negative or to just explain it away as life. For instance, how many infertile couples would consider a positive pregnancy test a split second miraculous change for the good? I realized that the first thing I felt with every pregnancy was fear. I eventually came around and I love my kids but I just never experienced that instantaneous overwhelming positive feeling like I should have. 

He also revealed that the bad things that happen aren't always as instantaneous as they seem either. Some times they are; but, not always. As in the case with my mom. She had been speaking and claiming death over herself for at least 20 years and she hadn't taken one preventative measure. She ate what she wanted when she wanted and didn't exercise at all. Then, she popped pills and other stimulants to cope with the pain and symptoms she experienced. I guess you just get so used to hearing someone say they're not going to be here one day that eventually you just think they've lived this long so they'll be here forever. Or how many times had I heard a noise or had a warning light keep going on and off and nothing happens time after time to where I didn't even notice it anymore. Then, boom, the washing machine won't spin or the car breaks down.

As He revealed more and more, I began to thank Him for all of the good in my life that I had overlooked or brushed away as just part of life. The more I thanked him, the more I realized I had to thank Him for, and I was already a thankful person before this. I mean I keep a journal full of blessings and thank you's that I read through often; yet, I suddenly thought of about a thousand more things I could add to that list. 

Then, when I was done, do you know what happened?!?!?! He answered a prayer that I had prayed for years! A prayer that I once desperately felt I needed but it had been so long and seemed so impossible that I honestly didn't even think it would ever happen. Then, just like that out of nowhere, BOOM it did! Just because He could <3

Friday, May 24, 2013

Riddled with Pain

surrounded by people
who don't understand
what God has willed
what God has planned

incapable of seeing 
the love that you hold
too busy being
evil and cold

you're easy to blame
when you're the odd man out
and everyone else 
is on the same old route

headed toward destruction
without a care
and angry at you 
for not being there

you made it to safety
swam to the shore
nearly drowned 
trying to save everyone else on board

but still you try
to do all that you can
toss in the preserver 
gripped tight in your hand

you pray that they grab it
and hold on tight
but all they want
is to continue to fight

they think they are strong
won't break and give in
when really they're weak 
and just want to win

but what are they winning?
what is the prize?
the hatred and evil
I see in their eyes?

what does that profit?
what does that gain?
when choosing a life
riddled with pain

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Burying the Past in the Grave

to think you hurt as much as possible 

and that the truth has all come

only to be blindsided

by the truth that has just begun

to hold onto hope for years 

that you'd find healing one day

then to think you finally found it

only to discover it was just a facade

to learn the person you knew and loved

as your best friend

was also someone you never met 

who made others hate you in the end

to never have a chance 

to even talk it through

and to know it wouldn't matter anyways 

after 33 years of trying to

to have to accept that it is what it is

and there is nowhere to turn

not a person to trust

every bridge has to be burned

there's only One way out

and it's plastered with pain

focus on God and your future 

and bury the past in the grave

Sunday, March 24, 2013

What happened to Grace?

On the way home from the free store, we had to stop by the grocery store. So, we took the Banfield exit. After stopping at the stop sign and looking both ways, Cory began to turn left, which means he was crossing 2 oncoming lanes which were empty when he started the turn. However, he has this tendency to not watch the road (Before someone else writes me to tell me he shouldn't have a license, let me clear up that he has never been in an accident or even gotten a speeding ticket in 30 years. He is not a crazy driver, I'm just a wife who freaks out any time he doesn't look at the road because I understand moments like this can happen.) while he's driving and, after the turn, he looked at me and began to tell me something. I, however, was saying, "Look at the road!" I could see the pick up truck that had just crested the hill and was coming straight for us. We barely missed it and I asked him why he can't look at the road and he began to say how he did and there wasn't a truck there and the truck was speeding. Which yes I get. The truck was making it clear that he was trying his hardest to hit us, he could have easily switched to the right lane and it wouldn't have even been close but instead chose to speed up to make his point. However, had my husband been looking, he could have also sped up! (Had he hit us, I wonder if he would have thought his point was as important then when the reality of his lack of grace became evident; but, who knows.) 

Anyways, we didn't even make it 50 feet before another car comes speeding up beside of us, swerving toward us acting like they are going to hit us as the lady on the passenger is clearly yelling something through her window. My first thought was, "Oh no, Cory must have cut them off in the process too." (I mean he does have a tendency to be in his own world while driving and I normally spend the whole time in prayer, lol :) So, I tell him to roll the window down, thinking we can just let them vent and apologize; but, as soon as we begin to roll the window down this is what we hear, "You fucking retard! You almost got t-boned! You're a fucking idiot! You have God damn kids in your car! You don't even deserve to have kids! You'd better thank God for saving their fucking lives." (No lies, no exaggerations, word for word that is what she said as she was puffing away on her cigarette.) I tried to open my mouth to explain to them that the truck was driving much faster than he should have been and we did not see him when we started the turn because he hadn't yet crested the hill. However, that was pointless because she just kept repeating the same things. "You fucking retard! God saved your kids' lives!" Yes, I already know this! I thanked Him before we even made it passed the truck without her even needing to scream at me to do so. And, 
I thank Him every day that His grace protects us even when we are not perfect.

Well, they continued to drive beside of us screaming that we have kids in our car all the way to the first mall intersection where they park next to us at the stop light so that she can continue to scream. I then began to raise my voice a little in hopes that she could hear me over her own loud mouth. When she yelled, "You have fucking kids in there!" I shot back, "Exactly! And, so do you; but, look how you are acting." Well, she was still running her mouth but that was apparently was enough to make them flip us off and peel out at full speed around a turn in front of on-coming traffic. So glad they were concerned for our kids safety more than their own.

As we went on our way, I just couldn't stop thinking about how awful our world has become. Where people, breaking the law, would rather try to kill another than lose their power, even over something as simple as who had the right of way. And, people who are not even involved, are so full of rage and anger that they were delighted to find someone new to unleash it on. I mean seriously, did it not occur to them that we were already thankful and apologetic. I mean we did almost just get killed! Did they really think that their angry, crazy road rage was going to make a difference? And, why did they need so badly for us to feel worse? Why could they not be happy unless they beat us down? Have they never made a mistake? How could two people who clearly acknowledged God, to the point they were demanding we thank Him for saving our lives, not realize how far they were from Him? 

What happened to Grace?