Tuesday, January 10, 2017

I used to want to change the world... until the world changed me

I haven't written in a long time.... mostly because I don't feel like I have anything to write or share any more. To be honest, I haven't felt much of anything for a long time.

Except today, today I feel defeated. Completely and utterly defeated. I look around and I see so many others just going about their lives and I just don't feel like I fit anywhere. Most days I just go through the motions and do what needs done then go to bed and wake up the next day and do it again. But not today, today was different. Today, I looked around at everyone else going somewhere... doing something... living... smiling... talking... being.... and I realized that I'm just so different than everyone.

Everyone else knows what they're doing and where they're going and I'm just here. I just go through my day trying to not bounce off of or collide into anyone else. But, it seems that's all I'm really capable of. I wake up with one goal, to avoid anything and everything uncomfortable and I go through the day being ping ponged from one uncomfortable situation to another. Everyone else is trying to be seen and I'm over here just trying to disappear... or blend in... or something... but whatever I'm doing, I really suck at it, lol ... apparently, I'm too real for most people and places.

I used to want to change the world... until the world changed me

Now, I just want to be me and want the world to leave me alone.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Am I Crazy???

Over the years, those I have loved and let in close, have made me question myself. And, I have questioned and questioned and questioned myself. I wondered if there was something wrong with me as I had repeatedly been told there was. I wondered if I was not capable of healthy relationships... If I was not deserving of love.... If perhaps I was crazy, as I and everyone else had been told I was... I was afraid to love, afraid that I just wasn't built with whatever it took inside, afraid to hurt another person.

So, I accepted it was me. I took all of the blame, others were so eager to shift, upon myself. I let others define me. I let others tear me down. I let others destroy me. I let others make me question myself, my motives, my love, my heart, my reality, my sanity...

I had spent years reading books, trying to have healthy relationships. Trying and trying and trying but something was off and perhaps it was me. They did make a compelling argument, I did seem to be the common denominator. Perhaps my brain wasn't wired right. Perhaps what I was thinking was true wasn't and my perception of myself and those books just wasn't something that I could count on any more. If it really was me then anything I formerly believed had to be considered null and void. I couldn't trust myself or my ability to see clearly so I just shut up and shut down.

Yet, on the inside, I was constantly watching and observing others, and the way they related, looking for answers. The more I watched, the more I questioned. Not only was I questioning myself but I began also questioning relationships in general and then all of humanity as well. The questions inside kept me on alert. An innocent exchange between a couple at the mall became an opportunity to find answers. How do normal people relate? How to selfish people relate? How do healthy people relate? Is there something wrong with me? Am I a danger to myself and those I love?

I discovered there are basic traits of humanity that are present in healthy people and healthy relationships. Yet, the more I watched people, the more I witnessed them in nearly every exchange and/or relationship. People were created with hearts for a reason. They were created to have compassion. They were created to care, to love. Even those that the world considers to be the most selfish of people, seem to be capable of these basic relational traits.

Let's take a closer look into the lives of the Kardashians. I think most would agree that they are rated toward the top of the world's most self absorbed. Yet, even though Lamar left Khloe and repeatedly hurt her and cheated on her, she is still capable of these basic traits.She still genuinely cares for him. She has no children with him, no reason to have to be there. However, when he was found practically dead, she didn't dismiss herself from the situation nor did she wish ill will on him. Instead, she rushed to his side with a genuine compassion. And, while they still are not together, we still see him being included as part of the family.

Or how about Kourtney and Scott? These two have had problems for years. Surely she has plenty of reason to walk away, I'm sure the years of let down have eroded away her ability to love. If anyone were to run out of give a fucks, she would be a prime candidate. She has plenty of money, power, fame... she doesn't need him. Yeah, they have kids together so they have ties; but, these are ties that would be quick to sever in the name of "what's best for the kids" in today's society. She could hire a cut throat attorney to parade all of Scott's shortcomings into a courtroom, seal the deal, and be done with him once and for all. Yet, she doesn't. She too, like Khloe, has chosen to move on. However, we still see Scott being treated as part of the family. We see him being included in his kids' lives without a court document forcing it to be so. We still see a genuine care and concern for his life out of all of them. They aren't trying to "protect" Kourtney and her kids, they are trying to love Scott, even though he is of no use to them. They are trying to display true character for their children and to truly put their best interest first, having their father in their lives.

In fact, I have watched these same traits play out again and again in front of my face. Women, who are abused, keep taking the abuser back over and over again. The reason is because they have this genuine concern, but don't have the self-esteem and boundaries to go with it like the Kardashians, so they think to care means they have to enter back into relationship with the person. There are men who get cheated on, and while they choose to walk away, they do just that. They walk away. They don't take the house, the money, the kids, and everything else they can get their hands on. They still have a genuine concern for the mother of their children and their children, even if they no longer care to be in relationship with her. Their goal isn't to hurt others, but to free their selves from the hurt.

I discovered that healthy people, normal people, and even selfish people are all the same when it comes to this basic function of humanity. So, if a person can walk away from someone they claim to love in a day as if they never knew them then there is definitely something wrong. Care and compassion don't just turn off and stop because a person doesn't behave the way they were expected to. If you can just stop caring about someone's well-being or, even worse, wish and try to bring harm to them... then, there is something wrong with you. There is a very clear difference between being self-absorbed and being a narcissist. And, there are many different forms of narcissists but one common trait throughout, the lack of genuine care and compassion.

I checked myself and the truth is, I have had some people, who should have loved me, do some really shitty things to me and I feel zero hate in return. Not once have I ever thought of doing evil to any of these people, even when returning evil for evil was my only chance at protecting myself. I instead, chose to allow myself to be hurt than to intentionally hurt another. Like Khloe, if any one of these people were to be placed in a situation of need, I would be the first by their side offering help.

When my mom passed, she still had pictures of my ex-husband hanging on her walls. We hadn't been together in almost 13 years, and not once in those 13 years did I even think about asking her to take them down or even notice they were there. Nor did I expect her to stop loving and caring for him as a person. Nor has his family ever treated me in any kind of negative way. Things didn't work out and even through disagreements, we have still always maintained that mutual care and concern no matter how many years have gone by. That's what normal people do.

Yet, on the other hand, if I hardly know someone and something causes a rift, I still care. I care a little less than I would if I devoted years of my life to this person but I would still do what I could in an attempt to mend the problem because that is what healthy people do. Normal or selfish people may not choose to care in this situation, but healthy people do. I am a healthy person.

So, if you ever find yourself in a situation, asking yourself, "Am I crazy?"...

If everything and everybody is pointing to you, the next questions should be, "Do I show compassion? Do I care?" Followed by an honest evaluation of all of those around you. Do they care? Do they show compassion? You may be the common denominator but that does not make you the crazy person. You may just be the person attracting the crazy, like a moth to a flame. Narcissistic people need a supply. If you are a compassionate person with a big heart, no boundaries, and a tendency to take blame and make excuses for others then you are a prime target.

After you've asked yourself these questions, use the information to get yourself free. Don't waste your energy trying to convince crazy people that you aren't crazy or that they are!!! As we already learned,..


Sunday, July 26, 2015

I guess you could say I'm a little salty

It's been a while since I've written. It's also been a while since I've heard from God. I'm not sure if that's because He quit talking to me or I was just too hurt to listen. But last night, I found myself begging. But this time was different, I wasn't begging for my kids back or the pain to stop or the truth to be revealed... I was simply begging for God. Begging for what He and I used to have. Begging for time alone with him.  Begging to hear Him. Begging for the relationship I had with Him before my whole life fell apart. Begging for Him to hear me. Begging for Him to care. Begging for Him to show me the way out. I fell asleep begging...

And, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Lot and his wife after Sodom and Gomorrah burnt. I know right?!?! I mean who does that? Of all the things to be thinking about in this day and age, I'm thinking about Sodom and Gomorrah????? No wonder why people call me crazy! I could see if I had just had a long Bible study, or heard about it in church, or read a book. But, nope, I've successfully avoided the Bible and Bible stories for a good many months now and all of my friends have quit talking about God to me. That thought only came from one place and I knew it so I allowed my brain to entertain and ponder it a little longer. Besides, I was just glad that I didn't wake up crying and thinking about how badly I was hurting for once.

So, I thought about Lot and his wife and how they were told to not look back yet his wife did and she was turned into a pillar of salt. Yep, you read that right... a pillar of salt! WTH? For reals? I'm supposed to believe that? There are just some parts of the Bible that have made no sense to me; nonetheless, I had learned enough about God to know I was the problem and that eventually he would give me understanding when He saw fit if He deemed necessary. So for years I've just thought it was weird and that was that. Until last night when it wasn't that any more. Oh no, last night, it made perfect sense...

You see a few days ago I read this quote on facebook that said something about there being 3 ways to heal all of which included salt water... either through crying, sweating, or visiting the ocean. The fact that tears were salt really stuck out to me for some reason. I already knew that but yet it seemed to hit my brain in a new way almost as if it was new information. But, it meant nothing at the time so I moved on.

Then, yesterday Donald told me that I'm always crying. I cry more than any girl he's ever known. Yeah, tell me about it, lol, what does he think it's like to be me? I've cried more in this last year than my whole life combined... and I was a whiner as a kid ask my brother. I try and try and try not to and I thought I was getting better but obviously not. I had a real issue. I didn't want to lose him over past hurts but I couldn't stop the hurt from hurting. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I'd gotten better at masking them and hiding them and pretending but they still kept falling and falling and falling and I was still hurting and as much as I was trying to think I was doing better, I obviously still had a very far way to go.

You see, I had always known that I had married into a family that had the complete opposite beliefs and morals than me . I always knew that just like Abraham was forced to separate from Lot and then Lot was removed from Sodom and Gomorrah that there would come a point when I could no longer blend and God would separate me from that life and those people or they would overtake me and I would be separated from Him, but I was smart enough to know that He would never allow that to happen. And, I always knew that when that point came that my husband would have to choose me or them. However, I always thought that, since I knew this was the man God put me with, he would ultimately choose me. I thought that I had it all figured out, that I had God all figured out. I never imagined that God would not only remove my husband but also my children. I always believed that He would let them come with me, with Him. I've been through a lot in this last year or so. Everything that could have possibly been taken from me was. And, over and over it played through my mind. Every time I would start to feel good something would come along and trigger hurt, trigger tears.

But, not this time! This time I did not wake up crying! I knew I had heard God! I knew He had given me the Word I was begging for! I knew He had shown me the way out! It's funny how I had thought about Lot's wife looking back a few times and I just got pissed at God. I was in my own might trying to tell myself what I had to do to get out. I knew the answer was to stop looking at the pain but how dare He hurt me so badly and then tell me, "Oh, just get over it, keep moving." You just took my kids from me and you want me to whaaaaaat????? Oh no! I draw the line, you obviously don't care about or love me. And, that is where I remained.

Lot's wife's decision makes a little more sense to me now. We read along in these Bible stories with one point of view. God was rescuing them! What was wrong with her?!?! God Himself was saving her! God Himself was before her and she cared more about what lied behind?????

Well, damn skippy when your kids are being burned to the ground and you can't do a damn thing about it! And, you know that God Himself started the fire! And you're supposed to keep going? Keep trusting Him? Keep following Him?

So, you get stuck there. You become an unmovable pillar. A pillar of tears.


You trust God. You move forward. You do what He says and you refuse to look back.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Like sands through the hour glass so are the days of cleaning our rooms...

The other day my kids and I were shopping at Target when my oldest picked up an hour glass and then all 3 of them started asking if they could have it. My first response was, "What do we need that for?" But, then my mind began to ponder, "Hmmm... Well, it is pretty cool...What could we use it for? Hmmm." Suddenly flashbacks of years of fighting with them to clean their rooms... crying, fighting, reading books, searching for solutions, setting boundaries, repeating boundaries, more crying, more fighting, more books, and on and on with only one constant... messy rooms. 

Before I realized it, my mouth was saying, "Oh good, we have a timer now for you guys to clean your rooms. If you aren't done by the time the sand runs out then whatever is left on the floor gets packed away." And to my surprise, they all cheered, "Okay! Yay!"

"What?!?!?! Did they just yell yay???" Yep, that's what I heard so we put it in the buggy and moved on. When I got home, my husband questioned my purchase. What did we need that for he wanted to know so I explained and gave the kids more guidelines. 

1. I would not argue or yell, I would simply tell them that it was time to clean and flip the hour-glass... Which really turned out to be a ten minute glass so it gets flipped once, if they are truly putting in effort and working to the best of their ability I will flip it again. I have never had to flip it more than twice. 20 minutes!!! What used to waste hours of my days/weeks with fighting and crying now takes 20 minutes at the most! 

2. Whatever was still on the floor when it ran out would be taken and placed in a bin. 

3. If they keep their room clean for the week then they can get a toy back from the bin at the end of the week (based on the idea taught in "The Parable of the Talents"... if they do well with what they have they will be given more and if they don't then they lose what they have). Now, of course they don't have to keep it spotless and never play; but, they are expected to clean up their big messes when they are done playing and thoroughly clean up all the little stuff that gets misplaced here and there once a week (when the hour glass flips). 

That night the kids were begging me to use the hour glass! Which means they were actually begging me to clean their rooms! So, I flipped it over and they raced around picking things up and even helping each other clean! No fighting! No crying! What?!?!?! 

I thought it was a fluke thing, you know excitement over the new cool purchase. Yet, the next room cleaning experience went pretty much the same. Except, my youngest stopped in the middle to say, "Thank you Mommy!" My son looked at her and asked, "For what?" 

Yes, "For what?" I was wondering too. 

"For letting us clean our rooms and letting us keep our toys," she continued. 

"What?!?!?" The very thing they felt entitled to before now because a blessing! The bad mommy who was making them clean their room had now become a cool mommy that was letting them clean their rooms! All because of a simple $5.00 purchase!!! 

Now, I know you're tempted to think it was still new; however, every experience since the purchase has been about the same. In fact, just this evening I told them to clean their rooms but forgot to flip the hour glass. They were fighting and moping and sitting around on their butts not even moving. So, I told them again and they began crying. I didn't even realize it until my youngest asked, "Mommy, are you going to flip the hour glass?" that I had forgotten the routine! (I don't know how but call it temporary mommy amnesia... yes, we all suffer from it at times.) So, I replied, "Yes, I am" and flipped it. I'd never seen the 3 of them run so quickly and 10 minutes later they were done! 

I know I said before that purchasing our van was the #bestpurchaseever; but, this hour glass definitely comes in a close second place!  

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Uh Oh

Have you ever read something that made you take a serious look at yourself and think, "Uh Oh?" 

My best friend lent me a book called, "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend to help me heal after having to deal with some really unsafe people after my mom's death. As I was reading through, I was completely caught off guard by something. 

Growing up, I suffered from anorexia. Although, I didn't know I did. I didn't choose to starve myself. We were just poor and I didn't get to eat that often so I stopped feeling hunger. I still remember when I went to the doctor at the age of 20 with a serious sickness and he diagnosed me as an anorexic. I was so angry! I still remember explaining to him that I would eat if I could but I just wasn't hungry and there had to be something causing it. To which he replied, "There is, anorexia." I left his office offended and switched doctors. Later on in life, God showed me that his diagnosis was hard to take and not what I wanted to hear, but correct. 

So you can imagine my shock when God used the authors of "Safe People" to take me back to that place in order to show me where I am now. Below is what I read, 

You've most likely read about the clinical condition anorexia nervosa, in which the individual starves herself for psychological reasons. The word anorexia actually means "no appetite." If you talk to an anorexic about why she's not eating, she'll report, "I'm just not hungry." And she means it. 

Likewise, in the spiritual and relational arena, some people literally cannot feel their hunger for relationship... It's easy to tell if you have this condition. Here are some of the classic hallmarks: 

-I am uncomfortable with people and relaxed when alone
-I don't get "lonely"
-I spend time with people out of obligation, or for functional reasons (tennis partner, work, etc.)
-My fantasies of vacation always involve doing something by myself

Now, God also created us to spend time alone. We need to get away. But spiritual anorexia dulls the senses so much that we can be in real emotional trouble - depressed, ready to act out compulsively or worse - and the idea that "I might need to call someone" will not even occur to the spiritual anorexic. 

And, there was my "UH OH!!!!" I realized that I am not the person I was. I know this may come as a shock to some of  you because you see me putting on a happy face and forcing myself into the world. I try to be the old me; but, I'm just not. I used to love to be around people. Now, I find every reason I can to stay home. I even skip out on going to the Free Store and, since I'm being honest, would do so every week if I could find someone else willing to go. I used to love to talk on the phone. Now, I HATE to pick it up at all for any reason or anyone. I have not called one person that I did not have to since my mom died, other than Kimi and Michele and even my calls to them are few and far between. I even hate having to return calls about photography and fret having to show up at appointments and meet new people. 

The book went on to give all kinds of reasons for this spiritual anorexia, most of which to their credit I had experienced. Then, the authors made another statement that rocked me to my core, "Like a beaten dog scurries away from a hand that wants to pet it, the broken heart sounds alarm of danger at any semblance of closeness." 

Have you ever tried to pet a dog that was afraid of you for seemingly no reason? I have! The image in my mind is quite pathetic! And, to realized that I am that dog, there are just no words to describe it! I've spent decades of my life reading and pressing in, trying to find healing. Trying to lead others to healing! Only to discover that somewhere along the way, I just shut down. And, even worse than that is the knowledge that it hasn't been from lack of trying. I've known all along that I should be doing certain things and shouldn't be doing other things; and, while the old me could easily get myself in line, that simply is not the case any more. When I say that I have shut down. I mean completely shut down! Completely busted! Completely broken! Cannot fix it! You know the point when you've tried everything you know and the only option left is to throw it in the trash. That's me! That's where I am. 

So, please don't write me with your 101 steps to a perfect life. I've read nearly every Christian book on the shelves. And, please don't tell me how much of a failure I am as a Christian and if I were doing things your way that I wouldn't be where I am. I'm sure Paul and Joseph heard those same lectures when they were in prison. My relationship with God is just fine, I spoke with Him this morning ;) And, honestly, for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm out of prison. It's quite ironic really. My whole life was one problem or one bad relationship after another; yet, I kept my heart open and stayed positive and pressed in and pushed through. Now, I finally made it through all the crap to a life of blessing and my heart just closed down. You don't even have to have a sense of humor to laugh at that one. 

I may be staring at a big UH OH; but, there is one thing I still know... MY REDEEMER LIVES! Jesus took the bread and He BROKE it before He could use it. The bread in it's original unbroken state would have done Him absolutely no good. And, I recently watched him break my camera in order to multiply it and bring blessings to myself and others. So, I know what He can make of something that is broken, even a broken me, and the only thing I am capable of right now is waiting to see and I know that is more than enough because it is all about Him not me! 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Modern Day Esau

Today, while I was working, I was talking to God and listening to “Believer’s Voice of Victory” which had Bill Winston on as a guest speaker. As the men were talking, I realized that Bill was doing something very similar to the vision God has given me for my future and it triggered a thought process that led me to the story of Jacob and Esau. This story can be found in Genesis 25:19-34 if you want to read it to catch up. Anyways, I've read that story several times, but today I saw an aspect that I had never realized before. Esau chose FOOD over his blessing. Many know that I do not eat pork and why; but, it seems to be something that other people like to attack me over. Yet, those same people who forcefully push their beliefs off on me are usually so set in their ways and are unwilling to allow me to walk them through it in scripture because they think they already know the answer. They are Esau. Esau was the firstborn and was entitled to certain blessings that came along with that title, but he was hungry and he didn't realize the severity of his actions so he made a dumb choice that cost him dearly. Yes, God already knew what he would do and what the outcome would be but that does not mean it was what God wanted; otherwise, He would've just allowed Jacob to be born first.

Of course eating pork will not keep someone out of heaven, but it will help them get there a lot quicker and possibly even keep them from being able to physically perform the call on their life. However, it is not just pork. Whenever a person is out of balance in any way where food is concerned (whether it is by eating too much or too little or the wrong foods) then they are trading food for their birthright, they are trading what they eat for what they were created for. It is not a coincidence that pork is on the top of the world’s most unhealthy food lists. It is not a coincidence that both obesity and anorexia lead to death.

The fact is if we are not alive then we cannot be fulfilling our destiny. That was actually the reason Esau gave for trading his birthright to Jacob. He had reasoned that he was going to die anyways from starvation so he might as well at least eat and be alive. Notice the scripture even says that Esau despised his birthright. How many today also use that same excuse that they are going to die anyways so they might as well enjoy what they eat? How many believe that what God has to offer is not what is best for them? Those are lies! Yes, we will all eventually die, but we are all faced with two choices for the way we desire to live.

1. We obey the Word at all costs. The Bible makes it clear that whoever dies to their own selfish desires and wishes will actually find a truly fulfilled, blessed life in which we will leave the earth satisfied after we have lived long in our days.


2. We can hold onto our own reasons, wants, and desires and keep trying to decide what leads to happiness for our selves. We will never be completely satisfied or reach the full potential we were created for. And, we will more than likely leave the earth sooner than God intended.

Deuteronomy 30:19 (New International Version)
19 This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live




The above was ... originally written a few years ago... I've decided to go through some old blogs that I posted on other sites and combine them all into one place (here;). 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


I'm sure most people have heard the song out by Eminem and Rihanna, but every time I hear it I am reminded of a poem I wrote several years ago when I was in an abusive relationship and at my end. So, I wanted to share it as an example of how God can fix anyone no matter how broken they are.

Please remember my poem is sarcastic and not literal just as is the song I referred to.

Take this knife and jab it in
Here's another try again
I'll find another if I need
Just thrust it in and watch me bleed

Do I sound a bit crazy to you?
Please let me know if I do
I just want you to know I love this game
I love the hurt, I love the pain

Please kick me down so I can get back up
If I've had too much I'll say "enough"
But I want you to ignore me if I do
And kick me til I'm black and blue

Go find some rocks, go find some stones
Bruise my body, break my bones
Don't stop until you feel my fear
Don't stop until you see my tears

When I start to cry you can take a break
It's time to laugh and spit in my face
You can pretend you are going to help me up
And I'll cry out "Enough! Enough!"

And there it is, that's your cue
You have some more work to do
I want it all, give it all you've got
Call me names like whore and slut

Lie to me, lie to me, lie to me please
Let me pretend, let me believe
Let me believe there's a chance for us
A chance for happiness, a chance for love

Let me believe I deserve this life
No, let me go get you another knife
And this time if you could just do it right
There will be no more arguing and no more fights

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Research: "Sibling Torment Damaging" .... FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!

I was so happy to come across this article this morning. It's so awesome to see that someone else in the world sees truth and is trying to do something about it! 

I was a victim of my sister my whole life and nobody would listen, I was just constantly told to stop my whining. Then, when I couldn't take it any more, I would blow up (you know fight or flight, when flight didn't work I'd try the other). Yet, all anyone would ever see is my blowing up and they would blame me and tell me to just shut my mouth, get over it, and forgive. They would say that things were just fine and normal and then I'd start screaming. Yeah, because fine and normal to them meant me being constantly controlled or abused! Just like the article says, I was the youngest so I took it from everyone. Any time I'd open my mouth someone would tell me to shut it or make fun of me. It was everyone trapped in the cycle, not just my sister, but their treatment of me taught her that I was an acceptable target. They couldn't see that my only options were to allow others completely control me and put me down with my mouth shut or fight if I felt it was important enough to stand my ground on. 

While it wasn't all my sister, she was the worst of it. She was so good at manipulating and controlling situations and making it look like my fault. She convinced everyone that I was crazy, and everything else she used to call me, and she was never corrected and nobody ever listened to me. And, look at us now. This is what the last disagreement my mom and I had, right before she passed, was over. I was still in my 30's trying to get someone else to listen so that my sister and I could work toward healing; but, of course, I was told the same old crap and my mom then turned around and further fueled my sister's hatred and control. She was given one last chance to help heal the wounds between us but instead she sealed them to last forever. It's so sad! It could have been so different :(

You'd think a parent (and others who witnessed it day in and day out) would realize that if something hasn't been working for 33 years then perhaps they got something wrong and they should maybe try something different. 

Although, I just have to remind myself that if God allowed it then it will work to my good and that He has used it to shape and change me into a better person. So, perhaps that is what we should be teaching the victims instead of trying to reach the aggressors who clearly aren't listening. 

Be sure to read the blog that triggered my blog, the link is below in case you missed it above :)