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I used to want to change the world... until the world changed me

I haven't written in a long time.... mostly because I don't feel like I have anything to write or share any more. To be honest, I haven't felt much of anything for a long time.

Except today, today I feel defeated. Completely and utterly defeated. I look around and I see so many others just going about their lives and I just don't feel like I fit anywhere. Most days I just go through the motions and do what needs done then go to bed and wake up the next day and do it again. But not today, today was different. Today, I looked around at everyone else going somewhere... doing something... living... smiling... talking... being.... and I realized that I'm just so different than everyone.

Everyone else knows what they're doing and where they're going and I'm just here. I just go through my day trying to not bounce off of or collide into anyone else. But, it seems that's all I'm really capable of. I wake up with one goal, to avoid anything and everythi…
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Am I Crazy???

Over the years, those I have loved and let in close, have made me question myself. And, I have questioned and questioned and questioned myself. I wondered if there was something wrong with me as I had repeatedly been told there was. I wondered if I was not capable of healthy relationships... If I was not deserving of love.... If perhaps I was crazy, as I and everyone else had been told I was... I was afraid to love, afraid that I just wasn't built with whatever it took inside, afraid to hurt another person.

So, I accepted it was me. I took all of the blame, others were so eager to shift, upon myself. I let others define me. I let others tear me down. I let others destroy me. I let others make me question myself, my motives, my love, my heart, my reality, my sanity...

I had spent years reading books, trying to have healthy relationships. Trying and trying and trying but something was off and perhaps it was me. They did make a compelling argument, I did seem to be the common denomin…

I guess you could say I'm a little salty

It's been a while since I've written. It's also been a while since I've heard from God. I'm not sure if that's because He quit talking to me or I was just too hurt to listen. But last night, I found myself begging. But this time was different, I wasn't begging for my kids back or the pain to stop or the truth to be revealed... I was simply begging for God. Begging for what He and I used to have. Begging for time alone with him.  Begging to hear Him. Begging for the relationship I had with Him before my whole life fell apart. Begging for Him to hear me. Begging for Him to care. Begging for Him to show me the way out. I fell asleep begging...

And, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Lot and his wife after Sodom and Gomorrah burnt. I know right?!?! I mean who does that? Of all the things to be thinking about in this day and age, I'm thinking about Sodom and Gomorrah????? No wonder why people call me crazy! I could see if I had just had a l…

Like sands through the hour glass so are the days of cleaning our rooms...

The other day my kids and I were shopping at Target when my oldest picked up an hour glass and then all 3 of them started asking if they could have it. My first response was, "What do we need that for?" But, then my mind began to ponder, "Hmmm... Well, it is pretty cool...What could we use it for? Hmmm." Suddenly flashbacks of years of fighting with them to clean their rooms... crying, fighting, reading books, searching for solutions, setting boundaries, repeating boundaries, more crying, more fighting, more books, and on and on with only one constant... messy rooms. 

Before I realized it, my mouth was saying, "Oh good, we have a timer now for you guys to clean your rooms. If you aren't done by the time the sand runs out then whatever is left on the floor gets packed away." And to my surprise, they all cheered, "Okay! Yay!"

"What?!?!?! Did they just yell yay???" Yep, that's what I heard so we put it in the buggy and moved on. Whe…

Uh Oh

Have you ever read something that made you take a serious look at yourself and think, "Uh Oh?" 

My best friend lent me a book called, "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend to help me heal after having to deal with some really unsafe people after my mom's death. As I was reading through, I was completely caught off guard by something. 

Growing up, I suffered from anorexia. Although, I didn't know I did. I didn't choose to starve myself. We were just poor and I didn't get to eat that often so I stopped feeling hunger. I still remember when I went to the doctor at the age of 20 with a serious sickness and he diagnosed me as an anorexic. I was so angry! I still remember explaining to him that I would eat if I could but I just wasn't hungry and there had to be something causing it. To which he replied, "That is, anorexia." I left his office offended and switched doctors. Later on in life, God showed me that his diagnosis was hard to take and no…

Modern Day Esau

Today, while I was working, I was talking to God and listening to “Believer’s Voice of Victory” which had Bill Winston on as a guest speaker. As the men were talking, I realized that Bill was doing something very similar to the vision God has given me for my future and it triggered a thought process that led me to the story of Jacob and Esau. This story can be found in Genesis 25:19-34 if you want to read it to catch up. Anyways, I've read that story several times, but today I saw an aspect that I had never realized before. Esau chose FOOD over his blessing. Many know that I do not eat pork and why; but, it seems to be something that other people like to attack me over. Yet, those same people who forcefully push their beliefs off on me are usually so set in their ways and are unwilling to allow me to walk them through it in scripture because they think they already know the answer. They are Esau. Esau was the firstborn and was entitled to certain blessings that came along with tha…

I love the way you lie

I'm sure most people have heard the song out by Eminem and Rihanna, but every time I hear it I am reminded of a poem I wrote several years ago when I was in an abusive relationship and at my end. So, I wanted to share it as an example of how God can fix anyone no matter how broken they are.

Please remember my poem is sarcastic and not literal just as is the song I referred to.


Take this knife and jab it in Here's another try again I'll find another if I need Just thrust it in and watch me bleed
Do I sound a bit crazy to you? Please let me know if I do I just want you to know I love this game I love the hurt, I love the pain
Please kick me down so I can get back up If I've had too much I'll say "enough" But I want you to ignore me if I do And kick me til I'm black and blue
Go find some rocks, go find some stones Bruise my body, break my bones Don't stop until you feel my fear Don't stop until you see my tears
When I start to cry you can take a break …