Wednesday, June 26, 2013


I'm sure most people have heard the song out by Eminem and Rihanna, but every time I hear it I am reminded of a poem I wrote several years ago when I was in an abusive relationship and at my end. So, I wanted to share it as an example of how God can fix anyone no matter how broken they are.

Please remember my poem is sarcastic and not literal just as is the song I referred to.

Take this knife and jab it in
Here's another try again
I'll find another if I need
Just thrust it in and watch me bleed

Do I sound a bit crazy to you?
Please let me know if I do
I just want you to know I love this game
I love the hurt, I love the pain

Please kick me down so I can get back up
If I've had too much I'll say "enough"
But I want you to ignore me if I do
And kick me til I'm black and blue

Go find some rocks, go find some stones
Bruise my body, break my bones
Don't stop until you feel my fear
Don't stop until you see my tears

When I start to cry you can take a break
It's time to laugh and spit in my face
You can pretend you are going to help me up
And I'll cry out "Enough! Enough!"

And there it is, that's your cue
You have some more work to do
I want it all, give it all you've got
Call me names like whore and slut

Lie to me, lie to me, lie to me please
Let me pretend, let me believe
Let me believe there's a chance for us
A chance for happiness, a chance for love

Let me believe I deserve this life
No, let me go get you another knife
And this time if you could just do it right
There will be no more arguing and no more fights

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Research: "Sibling Torment Damaging" .... FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!

I was so happy to come across this article this morning. It's so awesome to see that someone else in the world sees truth and is trying to do something about it! 

I was a victim of my sister my whole life and nobody would listen, I was just constantly told to stop my whining. Then, when I couldn't take it any more, I would blow up (you know fight or flight, when flight didn't work I'd try the other). Yet, all anyone would ever see is my blowing up and they would blame me and tell me to just shut my mouth, get over it, and forgive. They would say that things were just fine and normal and then I'd start screaming. Yeah, because fine and normal to them meant me being constantly controlled or abused! Just like the article says, I was the youngest so I took it from everyone. Any time I'd open my mouth someone would tell me to shut it or make fun of me. It was everyone trapped in the cycle, not just my sister, but their treatment of me taught her that I was an acceptable target. They couldn't see that my only options were to allow others completely control me and put me down with my mouth shut or fight if I felt it was important enough to stand my ground on. 

While it wasn't all my sister, she was the worst of it. She was so good at manipulating and controlling situations and making it look like my fault. She convinced everyone that I was crazy, and everything else she used to call me, and she was never corrected and nobody ever listened to me. And, look at us now. This is what the last disagreement my mom and I had, right before she passed, was over. I was still in my 30's trying to get someone else to listen so that my sister and I could work toward healing; but, of course, I was told the same old crap and my mom then turned around and further fueled my sister's hatred and control. She was given one last chance to help heal the wounds between us but instead she sealed them to last forever. It's so sad! It could have been so different :(

You'd think a parent (and others who witnessed it day in and day out) would realize that if something hasn't been working for 33 years then perhaps they got something wrong and they should maybe try something different. 

Although, I just have to remind myself that if God allowed it then it will work to my good and that He has used it to shape and change me into a better person. So, perhaps that is what we should be teaching the victims instead of trying to reach the aggressors who clearly aren't listening. 

Be sure to read the blog that triggered my blog, the link is below in case you missed it above :)

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I seriously had the most awkward experience ever as a photographer yesterday...

I was asked to take pictures for a little league baseball team (which I was doing for free I might add). And, one mom did not bring her kid until an hour after she was supposed to be there. So as soon as they got there, I had to line them up for the team photo. As I began to line them up, she butted in and started over-riding me and telling them what to do and treating me very rudely as if I didn't know what I was doing before she even gave me a chance to do it! I just overlooked it and tried to politely work with her (you know turn the other cheek because after all this is my son's team and I am going to have to deal with this lady after this). But then, when we finished, I told her that I needed to hurry up and get her kid's picture so he could warm up. Her response in a very rude tone was, "I already took it myself." How awkward!!! Honestly, I just can't believe how rude some people can be. I thought I would do something nice for others and yet even that pissed someone off and made them not like me and disrespect me. And, get this... she isn't even a professional photographer! 

I seem to run across a lot of people who think they are my boss and I go back and forth on what the proper way to handle it is. I've tried the politely looking the other way but then they just take more and more. I've set boundaries and they typically will try to argue and when that doesn't get them anywhere they will just continually keep trying to push past them. 

So, I'd like to hear from you... how do you handle these kinds of people/situations? 

Friday, June 7, 2013

Are you overwhelmed by life?

Then let me give you some perspective :)

Starting with verse 3, Genesis 5 collapses into nothing more than a litany of numbers and outdated names:

When Adam had lived 130 years, he had a son in his own likeness, in his own image; and he named him Seth. After Seth was born, Adam lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Adam lived 930 years, and then he died.

When Seth had lived 105 years, he became the father of Enosh. And after he became the father of Enosh, Seth lived 807 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Seth lived 912 years, and then he died.

When Enosh had lived 90 years, he became the father of Kenan, Enosh lived 815 years and had other sons and daughters....

From there, you plug in new names and different numbers, but that's pretty much the chapter. Some guy first becomes a father at an age well beyond qualifying for the AARP, and then he proceeds to produce more sons and daughters on his way to death's door.

In an era before political elections, athletic contests, and Fortune 500 lists of the most wealthy businesspeople in the world, people lived, had sons and daughters, and died. We're not told if they preferred raising crops to raising cattle or even where they lived. We don't know how they spent their free time (if they had any), or what sort of property they owned, or lived on, or traveled over. We don't know if they were fat or thin, bald or hairy, bowlegged or athletic. All we know is that they had kids, and then they died.

This simplistic view of life is shockingly honest. And many years from now, when most of us are a few generations removed from the land of the living, even our descendants probably won't know our vocation, our golf handicap, what houses we lived in, how good the garden looked, or whether we preferred Coke or Pepsi. Oh, our grandchildren, and maybe even the rare great-grandchildren, may occasionally drum up a story or two about us- but after that, we're history. For all practical purposes, the only thing we did that will matter to them is that we chose to have sons and daughters, with the result that they're alive and they walk the face of the earth.

This stark almost unmerciful truth certainly humbles the modern man or woman and challenges most of our modern aspirations. What the majority of us spend the bulk of our time worrying about - our 9:00 to 5:00 jobs, what houses we live in, how we are going to spend the weekend, how physically fit we look, what vehicle we drive - ultimately amounts to nothing and gets completely forgotten. And what we often ignore in our pursuit of the above - that is our children and our families - are the only things we truly leave behind.

If you are still not convinced, take a test: Tell me the first name of your paternal great-great-great-grandfather. That's just five generations removed. Can you name his wife? Where did the two of them live? You probably can't answer that, but since there are always a few genealogy buffs out there, let me dig a little deeper. Were these ancestors of yours physically fit or out of shape? How did they spend their free time? What caused them the most worry in life? What part of their body hurt the most, and from what - arthritis, sinus trouble, a backache? How many credit payments did they miss? How did they come up with enough money to pay for their daughter's wedding? What was their favorite meal?

Almost none of us can even begin to answer these questions about our ancient ancestors, yet these concerns often drive our own existence. Now let's get a little more personal. If you can't answer this about your great-great-great grandparents, what makes you think your great-great-great grandchildren will be able to answer these questions about you?

In short, when we're painfully honest, we have to admit most of what we fret over will, in the not-too-distant future, become absolutely irrelevant, forgotten, and wiped away.

The above was an excerpt taken from "Sacred Parenting" by Gary L Thomas

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Tonight I'm sitting at home digging up bones ; )

Tonight I picked up a book which I had read before, "Who Switched off My Brain?" by Dr. Caroline Leaf, and began to skim through it when something particular caught my eye.

"The important thing to be aware of here is that suppressed emotional pain does not just disappear. It can turn into lingering physical pain. We should never tell boys not to show their tears and make comments like 'cowboys don't cry.' Just like adults when children suppress their feelings, it affects their physical well-being. Dealing with toxic thoughts is not a luxury; it's a necessity. You can pretend and bury your emotions, but you need to know that you are burying something that remains alive and can affect your physical health for years to come."

Let me share an analogy with you here to help you understand and, forgive me, but it actually came to me through a Randy Travis song, "Diggin up Bones." If a dog buries a bone in a yard it will remain there until it is dug up. Trees can grow around it and sidewalks can be placed on top, but the bone will remain where it was buried.

Now, you will have to use your imagination for a moment but our thoughts are like bones. If we bury them inside, they will always remain there unless we dig them up. However, unlike bones, our thoughts are alive and can effect our physical bodies even if we don't realize they are still buried within. This means that if the thoughts we buried were positive then our bodies will reap life-giving results from them; but, if the buried thoughts were negative or toxic thoughts then they can cause all kinds of problems and illnesses in our bodies throughout our entire lives.

This is why God will send us into a similar situation, relationship, or experience that will trigger these old buried memories, to give us chances to dig up our buried toxic thoughts and deal with them properly. When we get hurt, we will have negative emotions to deal with, that is a fact. No matter how much the world likes to teach us to act like things don't hurt and pretend we are fine, we cannot change the fact that we are human and we were born with feelings for a reason. And, we can run away and hide, but those bones are still in there no matter where we go. Out of sight might be out of mind, but just because the thoughts are no longer in your conscious mind does not mean they are not in your body. Years after something happens, a thought that you didn't even know existed can be triggered and the same old feelings associated with that thought will come flooding right back.

When I read the paragraph from the book, it made me think about Matthew 18:1-4 when Jesus said that we have to become as little children to inherit the kingdom. It got me thinking about how a young child or baby will just cry when they get hurt. If someone does something crappy to them, they let everyone know and they aren't afraid to do so.

Now, I don't believe we should go around throwing fits and disrespectfully telling off anyone who hurts our feelings, that would be the other extreme and completely lacking in self-control which is also unscriptural. However, there is a happy medium. We can't stop someone else from doing something awful to us and we can't stop our feelings from doing what they were naturally designed to do; but, we can refuse to bury the emotions. We can refuse to go through life pretending. We can refuse to be afraid of what others will think if we tell the truth or let down our guard. We can decide to work with God and allow Him to help us dig up these old thoughts and turn a previously toxic memory into a new, life-giving one.

Don't fall for the world's lie, letting the person who hurt us know that we are hurt does not make us weak, it makes us strong. A weak person puts up a wall and pretends in order to protect their self, a strong person is not afraid of being hurt again. Telling the truth makes us real. It makes us so confident in who we are that it doesn't matter if someone else knows what we are or aren't feeling or thinking. And, it is the only way we can ever have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships with others.

The above was ... originally written... October 5th, 2010 at 10:57pm... I've decided to go through some old blogs that I posted on other sites and combine them all into one place (here;). 

Wednesday, June 5, 2013


A woman was driving home alone one evening when she noticed a man in a large truck following her. Growing increasingly fearful, she sped up, trying to lose her pursuer, but it was futile. She then exited the freeway and drove up main street, but the truck stayed with her, even running red lights to do so. 

In a panic, the woman wheeled into a service station, jumped from her car and ran inside screaming. The truck driver ran to her car, jerked the back door open and pulled from the floor behind her seat a man that was hiding there.

The lady was fleeing from the wrong person. She was running from her savior! The truck driver, perched high enough to see into her back seat, had spied the would-be rapist and was pursuing her to save her, even at his own peril.

As was this lady's, the perspective of an unbelievers is distorted pursuit. People run from the pursuit of a God who is desiring to save them from destruction. Those of us who know Him realize we love God because He first loved us. When sinners, however, hear of a loving God who wants only their best and died to provide it, they often see instead only the promise of loss and lack of fulfillment.

The above was an excerpt taking from Dutch Sheets' book "Intercessory Prayer".

Tuesday, June 4, 2013


From the time I was young I said torlet becaue my mom called it a torlet. Then, someone corrected me but I didn't believe them so I continued to say torlet. Then, I saw it spelled, "toilet". Sure enough that person was right and I was the fool. That's what the kingdom of God is like. You think you know the truth because it's all you've ever known then one day you see it in writing and you realize you have been a fool.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

It's always so neat when you know you are reaping something...

It's always so neat when you know you are reaping something... Today, my husband and I took our youngest to the Dairy Queen and a man, who was clearly homeless, rode up on his bike with a pizza. There were some young girls starting at him and making fun of him and my heart just broke for him; but since I was already sad, I didn't bother to reach out to him like I normally would. However, he reached out to me. As we were sitting there keeping to ourselves, he began to talk to us. I still did not even really look at him out of fear of crying but Cory politely responded and chatted with him. Then, he got up and came to our table and gave our daughter a piece of his pizza. He said it was his 60th birthday and he was celebrating with pizza and ice cream. I realized how most people would have taken that gesture but I knew how priceless it was. This man took a risk of being rejected and ridiculed to show us love. He didn't have much but what he did have he felt led to share with us. When I looked up I saw God in his eyes and my heart was able to open up again and remember what we're here for, what the free store is here for, why AID exists.

I couldn't even count how many homeless people I have helped; but, I can count how many have helped me - 2. The first was Joe, he was a special guy who used to always go on and on about how he was going to receive thousands of dollars for something. After years of helping him, the money (we thought was made up) came and he donated all of it to our ministry, every penny!

"And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites. So He said, 'Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God, but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had.'" Luke 21:1-4

I'm done being careful!

It’s funny how you can read or hear the same scripture a thousand times and then you catch something that you have never noticed in it before. Philippians 4:6 has got to be one of the most popular verses in the Bible, but yesterday when I read it I caught something different than usual. It starts with “Be careful for nothing” (KJV).

Not too recently I was wondering about this very topic. Very often when we go to Walmart we don’t make it home with all of our bags. I usually just overlook the loss and just trust God to make it up to me in the future because the missing items are usually so minor compared to the stress and the gas money to drive back and deal with it. However, the last time it was a bag full of some pretty expensive merchandise so I was really upset and began to talk to God about how they should have a better bagging system. Then, God dealt with me about why I reaped that loss and after I repented for the mistake He gave the items back. It occurred to me that if I truly believed that God was in control of everything then He knows when my bags will come up missing. He is choosing to use Walmart to work through in order for me to reap what I have sown in my past. I don’t need to go around being overly paranoid about my bags or threatening to sue the store over their bagging system because if I don’t reap it from Walmart I’ll just reap it back somewhere else. God is in control and He is not mocked, “What I sow I will surely reap.” (Galatians 6:7)

This new found view of Philippians 4:6 confirmed what God had taught me about my missing bags, but there is so much more packed into those four little words. We are not to be careful about anything! Nothing! Not one thing! That means our kids, our driving, our words, and all of the other hundreds of things we try to do in our own might every day. Now, this does not mean I’m saying we are to do the opposite; we don’t need to go around being reckless either. According to the Bible, we belong in the middle, not being careless and not being careful.

“Be careful” is just another way of saying that we are in control and not God. We are the reason we mess up and we are the reason we succeed. If we are in control then God is not and we are not in God’s will. That’s where the rest of Philippians 4:6 comes in, it is the other option to being careful. It is the answer to our problems and worries. We don’t have to go through life being careful and feeling guilty when we mess up. All we have to do is choose to ask God for help and trust Him with the results.

The above was originally written... May 14th, 2010 at 10:05pm...  I've decided to go through some old blogs that I posted on other sites and combine them all into one place (here;).