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Am I Crazy???

Over the years, those I have loved and let in close, have made me question myself. And, I have questioned and questioned and questioned myself. I wondered if there was something wrong with me as I had repeatedly been told there was. I wondered if I was not capable of healthy relationships... If I was not deserving of love.... If perhaps I was crazy, as I and everyone else had been told I was... I was afraid to love, afraid that I just wasn't built with whatever it took inside, afraid to hurt another person.

So, I accepted it was me. I took all of the blame, others were so eager to shift, upon myself. I let others define me. I let others tear me down. I let others destroy me. I let others make me question myself, my motives, my love, my heart, my reality, my sanity...

I had spent years reading books, trying to have healthy relationships. Trying and trying and trying but something was off and perhaps it was me. They did make a compelling argument, I did seem to be the common denominator. Perhaps my brain wasn't wired right. Perhaps what I was thinking was true wasn't and my perception of myself and those books just wasn't something that I could count on any more. If it really was me then anything I formerly believed had to be considered null and void. I couldn't trust myself or my ability to see clearly so I just shut up and shut down.

Yet, on the inside, I was constantly watching and observing others, and the way they related, looking for answers. The more I watched, the more I questioned. Not only was I questioning myself but I began also questioning relationships in general and then all of humanity as well. The questions inside kept me on alert. An innocent exchange between a couple at the mall became an opportunity to find answers. How do normal people relate? How to selfish people relate? How do healthy people relate? Is there something wrong with me? Am I a danger to myself and those I love?

I discovered there are basic traits of humanity that are present in healthy people and healthy relationships. Yet, the more I watched people, the more I witnessed them in nearly every exchange and/or relationship. People were created with hearts for a reason. They were created to have compassion. They were created to care, to love. Even those that the world considers to be the most selfish of people, seem to be capable of these basic relational traits.

Let's take a closer look into the lives of the Kardashians. I think most would agree that they are rated toward the top of the world's most self absorbed. Yet, even though Lamar left Khloe and repeatedly hurt her and cheated on her, she is still capable of these basic traits.She still genuinely cares for him. She has no children with him, no reason to have to be there. However, when he was found practically dead, she didn't dismiss herself from the situation nor did she wish ill will on him. Instead, she rushed to his side with a genuine compassion. And, while they still are not together, we still see him being included as part of the family.

Or how about Kourtney and Scott? These two have had problems for years. Surely she has plenty of reason to walk away, I'm sure the years of let down have eroded away her ability to love. If anyone were to run out of give a fucks, she would be a prime candidate. She has plenty of money, power, fame... she doesn't need him. Yeah, they have kids together so they have ties; but, these are ties that would be quick to sever in the name of "what's best for the kids" in today's society. She could hire a cut throat attorney to parade all of Scott's shortcomings into a courtroom, seal the deal, and be done with him once and for all. Yet, she doesn't. She too, like Khloe, has chosen to move on. However, we still see Scott being treated as part of the family. We see him being included in his kids' lives without a court document forcing it to be so. We still see a genuine care and concern for his life out of all of them. They aren't trying to "protect" Kourtney and her kids, they are trying to love Scott, even though he is of no use to them. They are trying to display true character for their children and to truly put their best interest first, having their father in their lives.

In fact, I have watched these same traits play out again and again in front of my face. Women, who are abused, keep taking the abuser back over and over again. The reason is because they have this genuine concern, but don't have the self-esteem and boundaries to go with it like the Kardashians, so they think to care means they have to enter back into relationship with the person. There are men who get cheated on, and while they choose to walk away, they do just that. They walk away. They don't take the house, the money, the kids, and everything else they can get their hands on. They still have a genuine concern for the mother of their children and their children, even if they no longer care to be in relationship with her. Their goal isn't to hurt others, but to free their selves from the hurt.

I discovered that healthy people, normal people, and even selfish people are all the same when it comes to this basic function of humanity. So, if a person can walk away from someone they claim to love in a day as if they never knew them then there is definitely something wrong. Care and compassion don't just turn off and stop because a person doesn't behave the way they were expected to. If you can just stop caring about someone's well-being or, even worse, wish and try to bring harm to them... then, there is something wrong with you. There is a very clear difference between being self-absorbed and being a narcissist. And, there are many different forms of narcissists but one common trait throughout, the lack of genuine care and compassion.

I checked myself and the truth is, I have had some people, who should have loved me, do some really shitty things to me and I feel zero hate in return. Not once have I ever thought of doing evil to any of these people, even when returning evil for evil was my only chance at protecting myself. I instead, chose to allow myself to be hurt than to intentionally hurt another. Like Khloe, if any one of these people were to be placed in a situation of need, I would be the first by their side offering help.

When my mom passed, she still had pictures of my ex-husband hanging on her walls. We hadn't been together in almost 13 years, and not once in those 13 years did I even think about asking her to take them down or even notice they were there. Nor did I expect her to stop loving and caring for him as a person. Nor has his family ever treated me in any kind of negative way. Things didn't work out and even through disagreements, we have still always maintained that mutual care and concern no matter how many years have gone by. That's what normal people do.

Yet, on the other hand, if I hardly know someone and something causes a rift, I still care. I care a little less than I would if I devoted years of my life to this person but I would still do what I could in an attempt to mend the problem because that is what healthy people do. Normal or selfish people may not choose to care in this situation, but healthy people do. I am a healthy person.

So, if you ever find yourself in a situation, asking yourself, "Am I crazy?"...

If everything and everybody is pointing to you, the next questions should be, "Do I show compassion? Do I care?" Followed by an honest evaluation of all of those around you. Do they care? Do they show compassion? You may be the common denominator but that does not make you the crazy person. You may just be the person attracting the crazy, like a moth to a flame. Narcissistic people need a supply. If you are a compassionate person with a big heart, no boundaries, and a tendency to take blame and make excuses for others then you are a prime target.

After you've asked yourself these questions, use the information to get yourself free. Don't waste your energy trying to convince crazy people that you aren't crazy or that they are!!! As we already learned,..



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