Sunday, July 26, 2015

I guess you could say I'm a little salty

It's been a while since I've written. It's also been a while since I've heard from God. I'm not sure if that's because He quit talking to me or I was just too hurt to listen. But last night, I found myself begging. But this time was different, I wasn't begging for my kids back or the pain to stop or the truth to be revealed... I was simply begging for God. Begging for what He and I used to have. Begging for time alone with him.  Begging to hear Him. Begging for the relationship I had with Him before my whole life fell apart. Begging for Him to hear me. Begging for Him to care. Begging for Him to show me the way out. I fell asleep begging...

And, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Lot and his wife after Sodom and Gomorrah burnt. I know right?!?! I mean who does that? Of all the things to be thinking about in this day and age, I'm thinking about Sodom and Gomorrah????? No wonder why people call me crazy! I could see if I had just had a long Bible study, or heard about it in church, or read a book. But, nope, I've successfully avoided the Bible and Bible stories for a good many months now and all of my friends have quit talking about God to me. That thought only came from one place and I knew it so I allowed my brain to entertain and ponder it a little longer. Besides, I was just glad that I didn't wake up crying and thinking about how badly I was hurting for once.

So, I thought about Lot and his wife and how they were told to not look back yet his wife did and she was turned into a pillar of salt. Yep, you read that right... a pillar of salt! WTH? For reals? I'm supposed to believe that? There are just some parts of the Bible that have made no sense to me; nonetheless, I had learned enough about God to know I was the problem and that eventually he would give me understanding when He saw fit if He deemed necessary. So for years I've just thought it was weird and that was that. Until last night when it wasn't that any more. Oh no, last night, it made perfect sense...

You see a few days ago I read this quote on facebook that said something about there being 3 ways to heal all of which included salt water... either through crying, sweating, or visiting the ocean. The fact that tears were salt really stuck out to me for some reason. I already knew that but yet it seemed to hit my brain in a new way almost as if it was new information. But, it meant nothing at the time so I moved on.

Then, yesterday Donald told me that I'm always crying. I cry more than any girl he's ever known. Yeah, tell me about it, lol, what does he think it's like to be me? I've cried more in this last year than my whole life combined... and I was a whiner as a kid ask my brother. I try and try and try not to and I thought I was getting better but obviously not. I had a real issue. I didn't want to lose him over past hurts but I couldn't stop the hurt from hurting. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I'd gotten better at masking them and hiding them and pretending but they still kept falling and falling and falling and I was still hurting and as much as I was trying to think I was doing better, I obviously still had a very far way to go.

You see, I had always known that I had married into a family that had the complete opposite beliefs and morals than me . I always knew that just like Abraham was forced to separate from Lot and then Lot was removed from Sodom and Gomorrah that there would come a point when I could no longer blend and God would separate me from that life and those people or they would overtake me and I would be separated from Him, but I was smart enough to know that He would never allow that to happen. And, I always knew that when that point came that my husband would have to choose me or them. However, I always thought that, since I knew this was the man God put me with, he would ultimately choose me. I thought that I had it all figured out, that I had God all figured out. I never imagined that God would not only remove my husband but also my children. I always believed that He would let them come with me, with Him. I've been through a lot in this last year or so. Everything that could have possibly been taken from me was. And, over and over it played through my mind. Every time I would start to feel good something would come along and trigger hurt, trigger tears.

But, not this time! This time I did not wake up crying! I knew I had heard God! I knew He had given me the Word I was begging for! I knew He had shown me the way out! It's funny how I had thought about Lot's wife looking back a few times and I just got pissed at God. I was in my own might trying to tell myself what I had to do to get out. I knew the answer was to stop looking at the pain but how dare He hurt me so badly and then tell me, "Oh, just get over it, keep moving." You just took my kids from me and you want me to whaaaaaat????? Oh no! I draw the line, you obviously don't care about or love me. And, that is where I remained.

Lot's wife's decision makes a little more sense to me now. We read along in these Bible stories with one point of view. God was rescuing them! What was wrong with her?!?! God Himself was saving her! God Himself was before her and she cared more about what lied behind?????

Well, damn skippy when your kids are being burned to the ground and you can't do a damn thing about it! And, you know that God Himself started the fire! And you're supposed to keep going? Keep trusting Him? Keep following Him?

So, you get stuck there. You become an unmovable pillar. A pillar of tears.


Or...

You trust God. You move forward. You do what He says and you refuse to look back.