The other day I heard the song, "Cry Out to Jesus" on the radio and it reminded me of years ago when my husband left me. I spent days just laying on the floor listening to this song and crying and praying. Then, I heard God tell me to get up and fight! So I did and I thought I won! But, here I am years later still fighting, still praying.
Hearing that song for the first time in a long time, my reaction was totally different. When I heard that first verse about losing someone you love that used to make me feel sad inside and want to fight, instead I said inside, "If only I could go back and tell myself to give up! Just let go!"
But then, I heard a verse in a different way than I ever had before, "For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on. They lost all of their faith in love. They've done all they can to make it right again. Still it's not enough." At this point, that is exactly how I feel! I have done all that I can and all that I know to do! I have spent so much time trying to get along with an unbelieving family that I feel I have no faith left! I have read nearly every marriage book on the market and pray nearly every minute of the day and yet when I was forced to do a fair evaluation, I realized that the only reason I have a marriage is because I try so hard to be perfect and treat others the way the Bible says to and if I didn't work so hard, it would be gone and so would my kids :(
So, now I'm just going to be and do what I know I need to be and do. And, that is live in reality and be real and speak truth; and, those who don't like me or what I have to say are free to not care or listen but I can't keep wasting years of my life pouring all of my energy into people who just drain me and put me down.
At this point, truly the only hope I have in my marriage or desire I have to see it survive is that I know that God says it's possible! I know what it can be! And, I know what He is capable of!
Hearing that song for the first time in a long time, my reaction was totally different. When I heard that first verse about losing someone you love that used to make me feel sad inside and want to fight, instead I said inside, "If only I could go back and tell myself to give up! Just let go!"
But then, I heard a verse in a different way than I ever had before, "For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on. They lost all of their faith in love. They've done all they can to make it right again. Still it's not enough." At this point, that is exactly how I feel! I have done all that I can and all that I know to do! I have spent so much time trying to get along with an unbelieving family that I feel I have no faith left! I have read nearly every marriage book on the market and pray nearly every minute of the day and yet when I was forced to do a fair evaluation, I realized that the only reason I have a marriage is because I try so hard to be perfect and treat others the way the Bible says to and if I didn't work so hard, it would be gone and so would my kids :(
So, now I'm just going to be and do what I know I need to be and do. And, that is live in reality and be real and speak truth; and, those who don't like me or what I have to say are free to not care or listen but I can't keep wasting years of my life pouring all of my energy into people who just drain me and put me down.
At this point, truly the only hope I have in my marriage or desire I have to see it survive is that I know that God says it's possible! I know what it can be! And, I know what He is capable of!
Jessica, I just want to encourage you to hang in there. There may come a day when you can't - but it is such a beautiful, right, and self-sacrificing place for you to be, and I admire your strength & tenacity.
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